How I’ve Been

I don’t want to call this a vent so I won’t, but this post is depressing lol (it’s a vent) and I mention smoking cigarettes so like if that is triggering for anyone please don’t read 🫶 I just want to get my feelings out I guess (^_-)

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How I’ve Been-[C]I don’t want to call this a vent so I won’t, but this post is depressing lol (it’s a vent) and I mention smo

I’ve been moving but also in the same place if that makes sense lol. Like there’s really no shifts happening in my life but I can also feel how things are changing. My siblings now live with me and this is the first time in my life that I’ve been around them longer than a couple days at a time, and it’s going pretty good! We cook dinner nearly everyday, my brothers get woken up for school and they walk usually, and my sister works then spends time at her boyfriend’s. I’ve applied everywhere in town and literally no one will hire me lol. I’m going to try again soon but it’s just so frustrating, thankfully mom and I will for sure look for work together in the larger town ahead but that won’t be until she’s ready to take us back and forth, which she said isn’t going to be until May or June.

Ive also been questioning myself again. I don’t like labels, I just want to exist. But I don’t know if I don’t like them because I feel they’re unnecessary or if I don’t like them out of convenience. There was a time my identity was different but there was too much shame I felt from my family. Not that they necessarily did anything wrong, I just felt shame. So it changed, and as it should because I was young and it’s okay to explore oneself. But where I stand now I don’t know if it’s something that I truly feel or if it’s this way for convenience sake. I don’t want to be “that” sibling/cousin/child, who has to make things too difficult so I just won’t. Even if that means I’m not completely honest.

I’ve started keeping a journal again, and smoking regularly. One is definitely healthier than the other and I wouldn’t recommend the later, but sometimes I can’t get through a day without it. Sometimes it feels like I can feel the clock ticking on my life, and I’m powerless to point it in a direction I’m happy with, so that when my ticking stops I won’t be disappointed in the end but it’s getting later and later and I still can’t find that happiness. I’ll be 23 in March and I know society wants people to think that’s getting older when in reality I’m still fairly young figuring things out, but I’m worried if I still continue how I am I’ll be like the adults I promised myself early on I’ll never grow up to be. Seeing my sister so far ahead of me makes me so envious, and I hate that about myself. I hate how insecure I am about literally everything. I hate I still have to rely on people who can barely take care of themselves. I hate myself the most, honestly.

I guess this is the type of shit I should be writing in my journal, but screw it lol. It’s nice having a pocket journal and sometimes people are encouraging/helpful so whatever. By the way I do plan on making more aesthetically nice posts and drawing more! So keep an eye out for that I guess lol. Moji out :v:

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