How a week in a group home changed my life~

═════════•°• :warning: •°•═════════

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of suicide, self-harm and drug use:

═════════•°• :warning: •°•═════════

LOADING DECOR

Loading…

█▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒

10%

███▒▒▒▒▒▒▒

30%

█████▒▒▒▒▒

50%

███████▒▒▒

100%

██████████

Hello.

Today, I am going to tell you about how a week in a group home changed my life. During this post I am not going to say any names of the people I encountered because of their privacy. There will be mentions of self-harm, suicide and drug use so if you are easily triggered by such topics please click off or read with caution. Thank you.

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

How it all began.

It was April of 2016, my freshman year. My depression had never been worse. I was cutting almost every night, deep cuts at that and the thought of ending my life was constantly in the back of my mind. I felt as though my family hated me, I had no friends and I was never going to be anything in life so...what was the point?

I had been late to school that day, my mother was screaming at me to get up but my body just wasn’t doing it. I had such a hard time getting up and I had been late almost everyday.

Eventually I got up from my bed and cried of course, I was angry at my mother for yelling at me and just sad. I never knew why I was sad. I just was.

So, I got dressed and started heading to school. I walked so I had some time to think. I made a plan to kill myself when I got home, I still the plan I had mapped out, in the back of my head I was 100% going to do this but some part of me said no. A sliver of my soul told me that I wanted to live. That there was a reason I was here. I was torn, I wanted to die, but I also didn’t want to die.

When I arrived at school I went straight to my guidance counselor, I wasn’t really expecting her to say much other than that I shouldn’t want to die. I sat down in her chair and closed the door, she asked me what was wrong and I told her. My exact words that came from my mouth were “if something doesn’t change I think I’m going to die”

I should state something before I go any further. My 8th grade year my depression was also pretty bad but I had a therapist through my school and had to stop going to her because we couldn’t pay, so my school knew about my history of depression and anxiety.

My counselor and I talked some more and she did that I had to go into Ravenwood for an evaluation. They considered it an emergency because my life was in danger.

My mother picked me up from school, I’ll never forget the look on her face. She was crying, her face was red and she looked heart-broken. I didn’t cry, in fact I felt no emotion at the time. I was almost numb.

In the car my mother asked me questions that I didn’t know how to answer, she seemed almost angry.

“What’s so wrong with your life that you’d want to die”

If I could go back to that day and say one thing to my mother it would be that I don’t know. My life wasn’t that bad. I had a roof over my head and food in my mouth. I had zero clue as to why I wanted to die. I just felt useless. But at the time I didn’t say anything, I just looked out my window and thought that I should have never told my counselor anything. I should’ve just gone through with my plan and all this would be resolved.

When we got to RavenWood, we went up to the evaluation room where they asked me many questions, the whole thing itself lasted like 3 hours with all the waiting we had to do.

Eventually they diagnosed me with severe chronic depression and anxiety.

They set me up with a counselor and I seen a psychiatrist to prescribe me some meds.

I went into a room with one of the counselors and we talked. She suggested to my mother and I a group home that was right up the road. She said “just to get away from all the stresses at home and maybe it’ll help you clear your mind” it sounded nice so I agreed. My mother was so upset, she didn’t want me to go to a group home and be away. She cried,and bawled but I showed no emotion honestly. It was a blank slate. I didn’t cry, I just... kinda sat there.

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

Arrival.

We got a ride to the group home and sat down with one of the therapists there. She was nice and told my mom and I a few things about the group home and the different programs they offered. She also allowed my mom and I to talk alone. She asked me if this is what I really wanted and I said “for now, yes”

My dad eventually came up and so did my grandparents. My father didn’t believe in this stuff. And still doesn’t do he immediately started to yell at me. He said I was doing it for attention and that I was just having a bad day. My nana and papa just told me they loved me and I was always welcome to stay with them whenever I needed.

A few hours later everything was all set up and it was time for me to have a tour and leave my parents behind. We were in the room we started in and my grandparents said goodbye so it was just me and my parents in a room alone.

Firth’s first time in my entire life, I saw my father cry. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the words he said to me mostly because I don’t think he will ever say them again:

”you and I are both bad at this emotion thing. We don’t like to confront or talk about them. We don’t even like to show our emotions. But you are a part of my heart and I love you with every piece of me.”

He cried, for me. I think that that was one of the moments where I started to realize that this is where I was supposed to be.

My mother told me goodby and that she loved me and then we went out separate ways.

my journey had begun.

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

The week of heaven and hell.

When my parents left and I got put in the actual home part of it all, with the other kids, I just too my journal and doodled in it. I didn’t say anything I just wrote and drew. Everyone was in group so I was alone for a while in the dining area just doodling. One of the workers tried to talk to me but I didn’t really listen to her.

when all the other people came up one of the workers introduced us.

”this is Serenity and she’s here on respite”

they all said hi to me and I said it back. They all seemed nice. In this place there was people of all genders, races, and sexualities even though there was only like 10 people not even.

No one talked to me at first. I just sat alone and listened to everyone talk until dinner. I didn’t eat the first day, I actually didn’t eat until the last day of my stay but I was just sad. I couldn’t bring myself to eat.

one thing that I will never forget, on the first day:

I was sitting at the table and a girl came out holding her arm that was gushing with blood, she already had scars all over her body. Neck,arms, legs, throat and even a couple on her face. She had to go to the hospital and get stitches. When she came back a few days later she was on suicide watch and they had to watch her every move.

i got roomed and had to set up my bed, the girl I was doomed with was half my size and a smart Ass but I still love her. My mom brought me clothes and some other stuff, there was certain things you could and couldn’t bring into the home part. My sister came and cried and hugged me. She told me she loved me and was always there if I needed anything.

they left and we went to bed, our bed time on weekdays was 9, my roommate and I talked for awhile tho, she did her schoolwork and I just laid down. We actually got really close.

I went to school the next day and told my close friends why I wasn’t answering their messages. They all sympathized but I did t want sympathy. I saw my sister in the hallway and she hugged me tight, I could tell she’d been crying and hadn’t slept. She never really cared about me before so I didn’t understand why she cared now.

after school I got picked up by my Nana and she had to take me back to the group home. That night I went to the group therapy that actually wasn’t bad. But I took a shower and the showers felt like prison showers. I called my mom that night and talked to all my siblings. Every time I called I seemed to cry. I hated myself for causing my family this pain but I had to or else I knew I would be gone right now.

I don’t really the next couple days but I do crying the last few just because I was homesick, I missed everyone.

on my very last day there is when I bonded with the other kids. Well the night before they all went to the ymca but I couldn’t go because I was on respite and two other girls couldn’t go because the one was on suicide watch and the other just didn’t want to go. We all sat in the office and talked. We became closer that night and listened to music and everything.

the last day I was there was on a Sunday. I woke up at 9 ate breakfeast and we watched rupauls drag race, and the boy in the striped pajamas. We also played just dance which I dominated. I really bonded with two other people that day. When it was time for me to go home I said goodbye to everyone and my roommate gave me all her social media so when she got out we would keep in touch, since then she has moved to Florida but we still talk all the time. My mom picked me up and took me out to eat, well she took me to my favorite place to eat..... Taco Bell.

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

What I learned.

This post was probably hard to understand, mostly because I’m a junior now and forget some things that happened, I also left some things out like when we gardened and stuff like that but nothing really impactful happened that day. My week there actually helped me realized my worth and how my life matters. No matter how hard it may get, there is always hope.

the people I met were good people. Some of them did bad things but they all had their own story to tell. They were all broken in some way and they were just trying to get better. I ire them all for their strength. I know I was only there for a week and most of the people I was with were there for about 9 months and one girl had even been there for 4 years.

my life has changed since that time, I have grown and changed and learned how to cope with my thoughts and feelings. Some days I feel so bad that I want to go back, and some days I feel so good that I want to dance.

you are worth everything you’ve ever wanted and so much more. You are worth every penny in the world. I believe in you and I believe that you can get through whatever hardships you are facing right now.

thank you for reading my post :) I’ll see you on the flip side. :heart: :sparkles:

#CurratorReview