Finding Myself

Hello, Hello! I decided to do a little story about myself. How I came to be the person that I am today. Don't worry it's not a whole life story :hand: It's simply the story of how I figured out I was in the LGBT community 🤔

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So I grew up fairly 'normal' or as normal as a little active girl can get. I was always swimming, always running around with my scooter or bike. Finding animals in bushes and the type who was always so active that I often got hurt. I was in Soccer, had a lot of friends, basically the class bully back then 🤷 I know, I'm not a perfect person.

I didn't find anything wrong with me back then. Of course I liked some girly things but there was moments now that I think of it, that I acted like a dude as well. That I dressed how I wanted. I wanted to play with gross things rather then tea parties or Barbie dolls. Or I would rather wear a dress then pants. I was just all over the place back then.

Fast forward a couple years, I was now in a different state. With different friends, a different house, a different life. I turned into the quiet kid in the back of the class. The one with hardly any friends, the one who rarely ever got out of the house. I did a complete 180 on my personality. And still to this day I'm not fully sure why. Maybe it was because this state is not as fun as Florida and not as many things to do. Maybe it was the whole stress of moving and it completely changed me. Maybe it was because I was one of the few colored people in this place and it was definitely starting to show. I still don't know the true reason.

6th-7th Grade was right around the time I found myself to be more different. Well looking back now I realize that was when everything started. You see, I had this best friend who Is now on the LGBT spectrum as well. She was smart, funny, nerdy. We became close and I had no idea that I was falling for a girl. I've had guy crushes all my life and this girl was just different. I couldn't help but to have feelings for her. Of course she didn't know and still to this day she has no idea that I had such feelings. But I had no idea that I was feeling that way. I was getting jealous, always wanted to be around her or talk to her. Back then it was so obvious how I was acting. But I just didn't want to believe it.

I became more distant then I've ever been. Realizing that I was different from those around me but didn't want to believe it. I had less friends, I talked less, I put up high walls. Not wanting everyone to see right through me. But in Freshmen year was when I played a online game and I was able to be a dude on there openly. I made a ton of friends, all of them thought I was a dude. I was happy on there, free to be myself. Being a dude made me so much happier then I have ever been. If I mentioned the game to my friends in real life then I would say that it was my cousins and I'm just playing with it. I didn't want them to know that I was playing off as this dude. That it was an embarrassing and scary time for them to find out.

In 10th Grade is when everything changed. By that time I've had one or two secret girlfriends that still no one knows about. But my mental health as well as physical health was getting to me. I had no idea at that time that I had Autism, OCD, ADHD and Learning disabilities as well as Gall stones. So I was always in constant pain. To the point where I couldn't get out of bed. I'm not saying the entire story about this but let's just say I dropped out :speak_no_evil:

I was around 16-17 then, it was right before Halloween. I began a depression so low that I couldn't get out of bed. I gained weight because all I would do is eat junk and not talk to anyone. I distanced myself from most people and wouldn't respond to them for days. But this is a story for another time.

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Fast forward like 2-3 years when I was 18. That was the time I started realizing who I truly was. I know I was different but was I a lesbian if I had these feelings for girls? I couldn't be as I've felt guys attractive as well. And had guy crushes. Was I Bisexual? Yeah, that must of been it. I came to with it but of course I didn't say anything to anyone. I've talking to my Mom about the LGBT community and she was fine with it. Even told me a story about how she dated a dude who ended up being Gay. Even though she told me that she was fine with it, I couldn't come out and just say it. Maybe deep down I knew that I wasn't Bisexual. Maybe I was trans as well. I watched vid after vid about Trans people. I was completely fascinated by what they've gone through and how their life became so different once they came out to the world. How they changed their name, their appearance, their style of clothing. I loved the Trans community honestly 🤷 so I hinted at my Mom, this...this is who I am.

She was so ive. She said that she doesn't care who I am, who I identify as, but she won't be paying for any medical shit :joy: which I totally get. Those things are expensive. I didn't fully come out at her at that time. I casually hinted that maybe I was these trans people. I was still questioning. But it was because of my two closest friends that I was able to come out to not only my Mom but my Grandma, and many other people. My Grandma just guessed because I was watching "I am Jazz" :joy: like that's such a good guess from a random TV show.

Because of the help from my friends, I found out that I am not Bisexual but I am Pansexual. I don't care what you identify as, who you are FtM, MtF, bisexual, Pansexual, Lesbian, anything. If you have an amazing personality then I COULD end up liking you 🤷. But I also figured out that I was Genderfluid. I wasn't Trans. It honestly was such a relief for my Grandmother when she found out I wasn't changing my name to Shayne and I wasn't transitioning. I was just being who I am and I started to love who I was.

SO that's my story on how I figured out who I was. Longer then I meant for it to be. I'm sorry if it was boring and not the usual humor filled thing that I usually do. But it's my life :speak_no_evil:

Peace, Love and Happiness :v:

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