Could I have Borderline Personality Disorder?

Trigger Warning mentions of SH

This post is not meant to self-diagnose, I am already receiving professional help. I am really interested in mental health so I recently searched into this disorder and was SHOCKED because I could relate to the symptoms so much. Right now I am on medication for anxiety/depression, but haven't been properly diagnosed with any of these because I'm a minor. Also, I realize that some of these symptoms could just be present because I'm a teenager.

If anyone on here is diagnosed or simply knows about this disorder, please some would be appreciated. I am planning on talking to my psychologist about this, but I'd like to put my thoughts out there too. Here are some things I experience that I read are correlated to the disorder. (Writing them down was quite relieving)

My experiences

- My sense of self is often based purely on the current circumstances. I have deviating self worth and even find it difficult to comprehend the age of time, or my place in relationships. I have also been having some strong existantial moments for as long as I , when I would completely focus out of myself and then feel panic or even fear in the realitasion that I exist. Lastly, there have been many instances when I felt like I was so different from others, like I was behaving abnormally trying to fit in and that was showing. Like I was putting effort to seem normal, but like in my whole self presentation. To be honest, I've always tried to understand the human nature but there are a few things I fail to relate to, which however seem to exist naturally in others? Hope that makes sense...

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- Imagining being left behind by those I appreciate is a really strong fear in me, and in many instances I just couldn't imagine myself in a million years being able to do it even if it would be better for me. I also get VERY emotionally dependant quite easily. A person becomes my whole world and I idolize them, until a fault appears which makes me completely divalue them and feel annoyed by them (usually) for a short period of time, until I accept it. It's like I'm basing my personality and who I am on these other people, therefore when they leave I lose myself too. Usually I try way too hard to suppress the thought of abandonnent / being forgotten, maybe even to the point that I totally erase that as a possible outcome. Thinking of such a situation makes me panic and even creates self-destructive thoughts and a feeling of hopelessness in me.

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- Impulsive actions that include binge eating, intense procrastination and sh. I also struggle with intrusive thoughts of hurting myself over quite minor issues. The emotional reaction inside me sometimes is escalated, especially when it's connected to shame and disappointment.

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- Bipolar disorder is also accompanied by depression and anxiety, which have been serious in my life. I also have thoughts of substance abuse or giving myself an eating disorder to ease the pain and feel in control.

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- I either take too long feeling negative emotions until I return to my normal state, or I escape in numbness, ignoring the triggers. Eventhough I'm aware of the intensity of my negative reaction compared to the reason, I shut down completely because otherwise I deal with immense distress.

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- I strongly relate to the phrases "feeling betrayed" "feeling out of control" "feeling like hurting myself", which are examples of emotional dysohoria, symptom of the disorder.

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- I may be fluctuating between anxiety and depression, since the first one usually leads to the other + thoughts of self injury.

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- Sadness becomes grief, mild embarrassment becomes humiliation and shame, anxiety/panic instead of nervousness and anger rather than simple annoyance. I however don't think experience rage too often, unless if I struggle to draw a fair line.

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- I am strongly affected by rejection and failure, things and before I found ways to deal with that I used to (and still do but in a lower degree) experience suicidal ideation and engage in physically self destructive acts. Lastly, I have quite a few mood disturbances during the day.

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- I view the world as really dangerous and malevolent.

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- My romantic relationships cause huge conflict and even obsession in me.

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- "A cycle often begins in which people with BPD feel emotional pain, engage in impulsive behavior to relieve that pain, feel shame and guilt over their actions, feel emotional pain from the shame and guilt, and then experience stronger urges to engage in impulsive behavior to relieve the new pain. As time goes on, impulsive behavior may become an automatic response to emotional pain." I can relate to that so muuuuuuuch.

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- Some of the reasons why I self-harm(ed) include expressing anger, self-punishment, generating normal feelings and distracting myself from emotional pain or difficult circumstances.

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- Eventhough I have quite a strong idea of what my values, interests and beliefs are, I am still unsure about any long-term goals. I wonder if who I am is more of a construct of what I have been exposed to, rather than my true identity, because I can't really recognize what genuinely brings me joy.

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If you read through everything, or even a part of this, then thank you so much because I doubt I've ever made such a personal post before.