Confusion, and some more confusion [vent, rant?]

if this over steps any guidelines i don’t mind deleting the post! i don’t explicitly say anything, but there are some certain themes implied as i am talking about my own sexuality/romanticism and my own feelings.

i barely use amino anymore but i need to get this off my chest.

recently (as in an hour ago) an online friend and i had a pretty decent/deep talk ab this sort of thing. this was the first time i really got to express what goes on in my head regarding my sexuality.

i cannot fathom the idea of being in any relationship that doesn’t have some sort of attraction (romantic, sexual, emotional, what have you). which means i cannot fathom the idea of a FWB type of relationship. i cannot fathom the idea of a one night stand at all.

i have never felt any sort of attraction to my friends. in my mind i would either need to find someone on an app, or meet them in person and get to know them as i get into a relationship w them. i always faked crushes to fit in because apparently “i don’t have a crush” is an acceptable answer…

even if i got into a committed relationship, i would need some serious time to get comfortable doing anything sexual w them. i don’t know how else to put it into words because apart of me feels that it is much more complicated for me than that.

i think i’m on the ace spectrum for sure. not completely ace, as i really do want to have a commitment sexual, romantic, and emotional relationship with someone.

now i know i don’t need to label myself, and some people don’t find labels important. that’s okay! i respect that and love that for you! i like the idea of labeling myself because it gives me a sense of… closure? place? i’m not sure exactly, but being able to pin point how i feel and why brings a sense of comfort.

i would love advice or your own experiences if you have them, but again you don’t have to! i’m just getting this off my chest, because good lord i know my notes app is tired of me lol

have a good day or night! ^^