coming out.

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i never got to come out to my parents. or a lot of people for that matter. i've never made a proper "coming out" post that everyone can see. some of you may have already heard this story, some of you haven't. so, here we go.

it was late october 2017. my friends and i were out in the school courtyard at lunchtime. for some reason, the idea to take a kinsey scale test was brought up. (if you don't know what the kinsey scale is, it's basically a scale that tells you where you lie on the sexuality spectrum.)

so i took the test, thinking i would get exclusively heterosexual. but i was wrong: i got equal parts heterosexual and homosexual. this honestly shocked me. my whole life i had thought i was straight up until then.

i was raised in a christian household where my church spoke against homosexuality. this definitely was an obstacle in figuring out my identity. i'm not saying that christianity and homosexuality can't coincide, just that for me i had been taught my whole life that being gay was wrong.

i decided to think about it more and more, and eventually came to the conclusion that i was bisexual. this did not come easily. i eventually came to that conclusion based on the fact that i realized that i had had crushes on girls in the past. what i thought was just me really wanting to be friends with girls, was actually me developing feelings for them.

on halloween, i had a sleepover with my two best friends. i opened up to them about my emotions, and said that i was still really questioning and struggling with my sexuality. they responded exceptionally. they said, "you're bisexual, and that's okay. we love you for who you are." so, they were the first people i came out to.

however, i was still really struggling to accept myself for who i was.

and so i took to tumblr to find more reassurance that my sexuality was okay. i started posting about it, asking for affirmation from people. little did i know that someone i used to be extremely close to was reading my posts.

it was early november, and i was having a sleepover with my friend. my parents came into my room as we were about to fall asleep. they both sat down on my bed. "so, we've been told that you think you're bisexual." my heart stopped. i burst out crying. it wasn't fair. i was still so unsure about my sexuality and i was not ready in the slightest to come out to them.

i before that night, i was trying to ease my parents onto the idea that being gay was okay. i asked them, "are gay people going to hell?" my mom started crying and saying "i don't know. only god has the answers."

this wasn't exactly what i wanted to hear. and although my parents weren't unaccepting, at first they weren't affirming. i can't speak for them, but i think they struggled with the idea of me being gay for several nights; maybe even longer than that.

let me just say that being outed isn't the greatest. okay, maybe that's an understatement. it really sucks. having your voice taken from you is one of the worst feelings. it was supposed to come from me, when i was ready, but it just didn't work out that way. and i want to say that that's okay, but it really isn't. being outed is one of the worst acts of homophobia.

a few weeks later, i started going to queer youth drop ins. there, i met esther, a youth worker who i quickly connected with. i told them all about everything that had happened: me being outed, how i wasn't even 100% sure i was bi, and how hard it was to accept the fact that i was. they told me that what i was dealing with was internalized homophobia.

internalized homophobia is when you're telling yourself that you being gay is wrong. it's when you believe all the lies that people tell you about how your sexuality is wrong.

at the drop ins i met some of my closest friends today. they, as well as esther and the other youth workers, helped me get through my internalized homophobia. i was finally proud of who i was.

now all that had to come into place were my parents. little did i know that while i had been struggling with all this, they had been doing their research. they had learned that not affirming your child could lead to internalized homophobia and even worse, suicide. so they sat me down, and told me that they were completely affirming. this was the greatest thing to hear.

what i didn't know was that not everyone close to me would be affirming. in 2018, i applied for a job at a christian summer camp, a camp that is very close to my heart and that i had been going to several years prior. when i applied, and had my interview, they said to pack my bags and to get onto the next ferry. this was so exciting! but my parents had concerns. they wanted me to be loved and accepted at camp. so my mom called the camp and voiced her concerns.

eventually they came to the decision that since i didn't believe that homosexuality was a sin, i couldn't come back on staff. i needed to believe what they believed. and since i voiced my opinion, on that same sex couples are not sinful in any way, i was not allowed back.

this hurt a whole lot. this camp was my home, and now i couldn't go back?

luckily a lot of good came out of it. i spent the summer at home with my friends and family. i even went to my very first pride parade. at the end of the summer, i went to california with my family.

not everyone in my life is accepting. sadly, i feel i've lost connections with lots of family that i used to be close with. my family all comes from a christian background, and the majority of them are still struggling with being completely affirming. not all of my friends accept it either, but that's okay. i've learned that the ones who really care for and love you the most will love and accept you.

i never got to come out to my parents. and although it isn't okay, i've accepted the fact that it happened. i've moved on. the person who outed me has since been forgiven. all is well.

so i guess this was my coming out post if you didn't know this already. i am a proud bisexual, and i'm happy to be me. if you can't accept and affirm me for who i am, that's your problem, not mine. to those that have ed me all the way through, since the beginning: endless love goes to you.

if anyone who is reading this is struggling with any of the things i mentioned, or anything at all, i'd love to talk.

thank you to those who are accepting and affirming and loving.

- hana <3

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