bittersweetness (goodnight pt.14 aka rant)

i got a random call from my sister today, and what was supposed to be a brief talk turned into almost an hour of just us chatting.

i was entirely unprepared for it, i didn't expect it, but i still put everything on hold for that hour because all i had on my mind was her.

hearing her voice again was... bittersweet. i was so happy to talk to her, but it was tinged with sadness and nostalgia. why?

because we're grown up now

she's in her 20s, i'm a young adult, so of course we wouldn't spend much time together now. especially since she's currently studying medicine (MY SISTER IS IN MED SCHOOL GOSBGOSNGKA THAT'S MY SISTER THERE) and i'm working towards... something. not sure what it is yet.

but i will always the moment our dynamic changed from childish siblings to family.

when we went from petty fights to "always with each other, even when oceans apart."

i like to think of those days as our golden days, because that's when we truly got to find each other and strengthen that bond we have now. coincidentally, those days happened the exact moment i began to spiral. those days where when my mental health became a walk on a blade.

my friends know that i say this a lot when i talk about my sister, but i truly believe that i would not be alive today if i didn't have her.

even as a 15 year old teen she was so... good. ive, understanding, comforting, sweet - everything i needed during hard times. and as soon as i stabilized, i gave all that and comfort back to her.

not seeing her anymore is sad, really sad. i had no idea how much i missed her until that call. i honestly feel like crying, because i just want to hug my sister again xD

but i'm fine. i truly am.

i find comfort in the fact that no matter what happens, she and i will always be connected in a way that most people aren't.

she reminds me of my worth, because if this wonderful human is my family then i guess i can't be that bad after all. if SHE finds comfort in me, and if my is enough to help her, then i as a whole must be enough too. it's logical, after all.

if anything i think that when you search up the word "family," you should find an example picture below, and it's just a photo of me and her. /j

ok that's it, i just wanted to rant about her, goodnight