Not so much with what's going on outside, but what's going on within. It's as if I'm living through a storm that has brewed into a Tornado. I used to have dreams of them. The sky rolls and drops before my eyes. The fury of the storm brings chaos along with it. That was pretty much my entire life internally. The storm left a trail of destruction in various forms throughout my life.
To settle the storm I developed various addictions. Addictions that didn't necessarily come in the forms of substances, but through excessive exercising. Pushing my body ed its limits. Running. Fixed on escaping into everything interesting, from books, anime, films, TV series, and even gaming. I focused on being productive and keeping myself moving, never stopping. I was trying to outrun that storm. That Tornado that follows so close behind.
Sometimes my inner self comes out through strings of words, reminding me of it.
Darkness fell upon my dreams at midnight tonight,
A dark thicker than the night sky,
Suffocating me in my deepest sleep,
Many hands cover my head,
Pulling me every which way,
Fighting to take its place.
I awake,
I don't let those nightmares eat me away.
Dream upon dreams,
When will I finally have a good dream,
And not deal with the ghoulish beasts,
Treading so close behind me,
Waiting.
My biggest trial for the past 3 weeks, was to cut back on drinking. I'm 3 weeks sober. And now I'm thinking there's not a lot I want to hold on to anymore. The excessive productivity of juggling so many things. I wanted to cut back and even thought about just stopping altogether because it seemed like it was my only way to avoid the looming fate of facing the storm.
Even the words came to me, "Once all distractions are gone, there's nothing left but to face the demons. Because by now, they have all caught up."
I even threw a hell of a brick of destruction to destroy what I built for almost 3 years, yesterday. Let the tower fall. I don't need it anymore. And it's not important.
There are more important things in life to focus on.
Even though I've come to and even openly itted to my friends that I can't hide it anymore. I'm just built differently. That things are missing within me or I just don't have access to them like everyone else does. Is that OK?
Surprisingly enough, it was ok.
It's ok.
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