Thoughts

Just a preface:

These are my own feelings and such, and while very personal, I couldn't keep them internalized much longer. I'm not looking for clout or any sort of recognition, I just need to vent. And this is one of the ways I know how.

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Thoughts:

It's been two weeks since we last spoke. God knows you've been on my mind, despite what many people have been telling me, despite all I've been trying to do to get you out of it.

It hurts, y'know? Two years down the drain, because you buckled down so hard. What I had to say hurt, and you didn't want to hear it. What I tried to get you to understand was hard and you didn't want to do it. And what I had to do... It hurt so bad... And neither of us wanted it.

It makes me wander back... All the way back to out first fight. You yelled at me because I had nothing to talk about... When I knew that what I had to say wouldn't stick with you. Our interests never aligned, and it showed that day. I could've prattled on about my day, but you wouldn't have cared because you weren't there. You didn't want to hear about the people I met, or the things I did without you, because you can't be you without me.

That's what you felt, right?

So what did it matter what I liked? It only mattered when you were the center of it all. I can't dedicate my interests into something else becauss it's not you. I can't be doing anything else because I'm talking to you. I can't hang out with my friends during the day because I'm supposed to be with you.

When do I get to be me?

Oh. I don't.

At least, I thought back then.

When that night happened, it seemed so... So quick, like you accepted it before the words had even come across the screen. Did you even want to make things work...? For three days I tried to communicate that things were going South, that we were going south... And all you did was get upset. At me, at yourself, at everything else, and low and behold, that was somewhere on the top of the list.

And it only took a message for you to get your closure, you were so ready for me to take you out of my life, that cut deeper than anything I could've told you that night. You were so scared of loosing me, but when it happens, you just... Accept it?

Did you really even care?

Those three days before... I was hoping you'd think about my words, take them seriously. You only lashed out when I brought up the mere prospect of thinking. For three days, I took off those rose tinted glasses that I kept for two years, and I saw what you really thought. You blamed yourself to get the apology from me. You pushed back at the mere mention of space for your benefit, you even went as far as to try and be petty with my schedule, as if I hadn't already made time for you...

Do you even think about me now?

That question has been in my head every minute since that night. No amount of distraction, or work, or anything could make me not think that. It wouldn't surprise me if you didn't... As time es, my head grows clearer of your past transgressions, but even still, to know that you still think of me... It would make that pain go away for a little bit.

But I don't want to go back.

I know now that both of us aren't ready for what we had. Me, I am torn up because of it all. I was so ready to make things work, to make things better for you, that I lost track of myself. I pushed myself to the brink for two years so that I could see that half-hearted smile from you...

And you... You need to learn to love yourself... Because I can't be the only thing in your heart. I can't fully be me, if you are so keen on taking ownership of what I am. You can't be you if all you have is me. I knew that, and I hoped you would learn to see it from my perspective.

But I'm the bad guy for thinking about it, right?

Figures.