Dear Oracle — or, Giant Answers for Giant Problems!

Welcome, Giants and those unfortunate enough to be small!

It has come to our attention that Giants have felt uned in today’s society. We, the Hogwarts Team, are dedicated to equality within diversity and have done our utmost to rectify the situation.

Introducing:

The Colossus Oracle!

We have asked Giants to tell us about their giant problems and have hired a real Oracle :tm: to provide answers! All submissions are anonymous to protect our fellow giants’ right to privacy.

P.S. to our wizarding readers: you might have already noticed something peculiar about this entry. And that is right! The font inside this article has been enlarged to meet the preferences of our current target audience — however, please feel free to stay and enjoy the ride!

P.S.S. Perhaps, giants and wizards are not too different, and you will find advice that suits your own needs?

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Our models for this week’s edition! Beautiful! Breathtaking! Big!

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Let’s begin reading our latest article, shall we, and see what arcane wisdoms the Oracle will grace us with today…

➊

Dear Oracle,

I’m a mountain troll working at Gringotts as a security guard. The problem? Wizards keep stunning me! It’s embarrassing. I want to be a fearsome presence, but it’s hard when every break-in ends with me face-down on the floor. What should I do?

— Stunned and Humiliated

➀

Dear Stunned and Humiliated,

Is workplace safety issue. Am sure you are doing great job at work, keep going! Oracle is very proud of you! However, Gringotts not friendly workplace! Why employ security guard, then not let do job? I, Oracle, predict great challenges ahead, but might just be change of weather.

Consider this: are you perhaps attacking wizards when trying to be fearsome presence? Mountain troll eyes maybe not the best in dim surroundings of Gringotts. Have tried glasses yet? However, wizard eyes maybe bad too and not see you as equal and valuable coworker. This is case for Human Resources, except they maybe not offer protection for giants since we not human. I mean you not human. I am Oracle, definitely not giant.

I say, keep doing your best but try not to step on wizard or eat burglar. But if approach not working, quit job. Oracle is sure there are friendly and welcoming workplace environments for giants. Consider working for giant helpline. Except, maybe job not pay so well…

Best of luck,

Oracle

➋

Dear Oracle,

I’m a giant, and I just built a lovely new cottage in the mountains. Problem? Some Hogwarts students keep sneaking into my yard to steal my pumpkins and magical herbs. I don’t want to hurt them, but I’d like them to stay away. Any advice?

— Gentle Giant, Growing Irritated

➁

Dear Gentle Giant, Growing Irritated,

Congratulation on lovely new cottage in the mountains! Oracle can see big hole in your purse, is difficult to afford home in current economy! Must be frustrating to have tiny humans sneak into yard and steal valuable possessions. Oracle feels your pain.

Oracle recommends great new Muggle invention called “electrical fence”. However, lovely mountain cottage maybe not connected to electrical grid. In this case consider hiring capable wizard for protection spell, but wizard is not for eating. Although, if Gentle Giant, Growing Irritated plants pumpkins and herbs, is maybe vegetarian.

Anyway, if problem persists, consider giving up vegetarian diet and moral com, and simply eat Hogwarts students for breakfast. Oracle can recommend lovely new recipe.

Best of luck,

Oracle

➌

Dear Oracle,

I’m Grawp. I’m learning to be nice. But little wizards still run away when I say hello. How do I make friends?

— Grawp

➂

Dear Grawp,

Oracle has heard of you, you a bit famous in certain circles! Consider maybe send autograph with next question. Oracle asking for a friend.

Anyway, good job learning to be nice! Sad that little wizards run away. Consider, little wizards have little brains, they maybe not understand Grawp being friendly. to make little steps and use in-cave voice, not forest voice. Wizards have very delicate ears, get scared easily. Little wizards very skittish, so ask before touch and not lift up to take closer look under any circumstances. Wizards very breakable. Oracle knows from experience.

Consider giving gifts, wizards like gifts. However, maybe not give head of their enemies or dead bear, is not custom for wizards. Yes, Oracle doesn’t understand either, seems like lovely gesture personally. Oracle has seen in crystal ball that wizards like pumpkins and special herbs. Consider offering pumpkins or special herbs to little wizards during introduction.

Practice following sentence: “Hello, my name is Grawp. I do you no harm. I just want to be friends. Please do not be afraid.” Then offer gift, but to not thrust in face, offer slowly on outstretched hand.

Best of luck,

Oracle

P.S.: Please do update on friend-making endeavours. Consider including autograph.

➍

Dear Oracle,

I recently got a job at the Ministry of Magic’s Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures as part of their giant outreach program. Problem is, my desk is way too small, my quill snaps every time I try to write, and the floo network fireplaces are ridiculously tiny. How am I supposed to work in a place built for little wizards?

— Cramped and Frustrated

➃

Dear Cramped and Frustrated,

Oracle knows all about tiny desk and snappy quill, and small keys of writing machine. Sadly, Oracle is afraid this is how it is in workplace for giants nowadays. Workplace equality still has long way to go.

Have you tried explaining to supervisor or maybe big boss of department? Perhaps arrangements can be made for bigger fireplace and furniture, or maybe arrance different mode of transportation. Pretty sure giant can use portkey.

If nothing works but Cramped and Frustrated wants to keep job working for little wizards, consider remote work from home if cave or lovely mountain cottage is comfortable. You can order custom desk. Consider asking for raise at work, custom desk might be very expensive, especially if made from sturdy oak or granite. Do any fellow giants work for giant outreach program? Maybe now is time to unionise. Oracle can recommend lovely competent lawyer who recently graduated and is now looking for job. Is personal friend, very trusty.

Best of luck,

Oracle

➎

Dear Oracle,

I love baking. I make the best treacle tarts and pumpkin pasties this side of the Forbidden Forest. But whenever I offer them to wizards, they run away screaming! How do I convince them that I just want to share a nice pastry and not squish them?

— Big Baker, No Takers

➄

Dear Big Baker, No Takers,

Oracle loves that you have found hobby you enjoy! Am sure your treacle tarts and pumpkin pasties are delicious! Sadly wizards very prejudiced and scared of us. I mean scared of giants. I am mighty and mysterious Oracle, definitely not giant. Oracle is not allowed to say that is giant. Is in contract, I looked up.

Wizards get scared easily, so perhaps is better to leave baked goods out for them to take instead of handing out personally. Maybe build one of those cute little cabinets to display baked goods. Make sure to keep sanitary, humans appreciate food safety. Include list of ingredients, allergies very common in wizards. Also maybe not put up cute little baked goods cabinet directly in front of cave or lovely little cottage. Is very convenient, but perhaps wizards might not trust and think is trap to eat them for breakfast. Unless that is goal.

Also consider putting up “Meet the Baker” sign with picture and personal information to establish trust. On second thought, maybe not include picture if ugly. Is common for giant, sadly. Wizards have very limited view on aesthetic. Oracle is sure Big Baker, No Takers is lovely by giant standards. Oracle would like to know if Big Baker, No Takers is single? For no particular reason.

If nothing works, Big Baker, No Takers can always send treacle tarts and pumpkin pasties to Oracle. Am big fan of baked goods. Huge fan.

Best of luck,

Oracle

P.S.: My inbox is big enough for package.

➏

Dear Oracle,

I’ve been trying to learn human wizard spells, but wands are so tiny! Every time I try to hold one, I either snap it or fling it across the room. Is there a way for giants to do magic without breaking everything?

— All Power, No Precision

➅

Dear All Power, No Precision,

Am afraid Oracle is not allowed to give advice on use of magic ever since last workplace incident. However, maybe put wand in handle of umbrella or broom, or fancy little walking stick. Is more sturdy. If of no use, maybe apply for exchange year at Uagadou. Oracle hears they use hands to cast spells.

Best of luck,

Oracle

➐

Dear Oracle,

My cousin keeps bragging about how he once wrestled a Graphorn, but I know he’s lying. Giants are strong, but a Graphorn would never let that happen! How do I prove he’s making it up without starting a family feud?

— Skeptical but Sensible

➆

Dear Skeptical but Sensible,

Consider maybe letting cousin have this one if family are particularly big and angry. However, Oracle agrees that cousin sucks big time and needs ego check. Best thing would be to acquire Graphorn of your own and bring to family dinner so cousin can put his money where his mouth is and prove his strength. If Graphorn is not available (Oracle knows import is difficult and black market is risky), consider dragon as second option. If cousin cannot fight dragon, family will see that for sure he cannot wrestle Graphorn.

Oracle is well-connected and can put Skeptical but Sensible in touch with great magizoologist if Skeptical but Sensible is not a coward.

Best of luck,

Oracle

➑

Dear Oracle,

I’ve been trying to date, but it’s impossible! Giants are so rare, and most witches and wizards are terrified of me. I tried writing a lonely hearts ad for The Daily Prophet, but they said my love for smashing boulders “didn’t sound romantic.” How am I supposed to find someone who appreciates my larger-than-life personality?

— Big, Single, and Ready to Mingle

➇

Dear Big, Single, and Ready to Mingle,

Oracle is sure you have lovely personality. Maybe not date witch or wizard, is kind of small and not very sturdy, so when smash it maybe not be boulder that breaks. Also children come out rather tiny. Is not very impressive for giant grandma and grandpa or very strong cousin.

Maybe Oracle can put up ad for you, many giants sent questions to Oracle. Also maybe consider inventing dating platform for giants and giant-lovers if Big, Single, and Ready to Mingle has the skill. Is niche market but might be very successful. Oracle would totally invest.

If smashing boulders not attract suitable suitors, consider learning new hobby like baking. Might be very popular! Or wrestle Graphorn to impress ladies. If strong enough to smash boulder, Graphon will be no challenge at all. However, if nothing work, Big, Single and Ready to Mingle can always revert to old giant tradition of abducting lovely little witch or wizard. Am sure nothing will go wrong at all.

Best of luck,

Oracle

➒

Dear Oracle,

Every time I walk into a wizard’s house, I break something. First, it was a chandelier. Then, a dining table. Last week, I accidentally flattened an entire guest cottage. I’m starting to think I should just stop visiting wizard friends altogether. How do I stop ruining every house I enter?

— Walking Disaster

➈

Dear Walking Disaster,

Wow, Walking Disaster is setting themselves up to be sued for damages! Make sure you have money in bank. Am afraid solution for this problem is to not visit wizard’s house anymore, giant is simply too big! If strong enough to flatten guest cottage, Walking Disaster is menace to society! Is very impressive though. Walking Disaster might want to consider running for Gurg if that is goal in life.

However, Oracle sees that Walking Disaster is gentle soul and want to socialise and be included in wizard society. Oracle does not understand why, but anyway. In this case, consider meeting wizard outside or invite wizard to giant home. Maybe is time for lovely garden party? Just make sure to stay away from guest house. Oracle suggests picnic on floor to avoid breaking table.

Best of luck,

Oracle

➓

Dear Oracle,

I’m tired of the stereotype that all giants are brainless brutes. Just because I’m big doesn’t mean I don’t like books! But whenever I visit Flourish and Blotts, they assume I’m lost or looking to smash something. How do I prove that giants can be intellectual too?

— Scholar in a Colossus’s Body

➉

Dear Scholar in a Colossus’s Body,

Scholar is a Colossus’s Body is not only giant with that problem! Is very frustrating to see giants not able to reach full potential because of prejudices. It may be time to visit Muggle bookstore called “Internet”. Books will get delivered to your door or cave if accessible.

Other solution is to write book yourself and get famous, then Flourish and Blotts will invite you for publicity. Is just that writing machine keys are very small so maybe have to order custom-made machine. Or make own bookstore to sell books! Is unlimited potential if willing to think outside the box. Perhaps Scholar in a Colossus’s Body can take up public speaking to prove to wizards that giant is intellectual with big brain and good manners. Will be great service to giant society!

Best of luck,

Oracle

➊➋

Dear Oracle,

I work as a groundskeeper for a Quidditch stadium, and I love my job. But the players keep blaming me for strong winds and bad weather. Just because I’m big doesn’t mean I control the sky! How do I convince them that I’m not the reason they missed that last goal?

— Not a Walking Storm Cloud

➀➁

Dear Not a Walking Storm Cloud,

Oracle has never heard such a dumb thing. Everybody knows that weather is not controlled by giant! Groundskeeper not even do weather spells. Oracle is very proud of you for doing such important job. I wonder, does Not a Walking Storm Cloud get Quidditch game tickets for free?

Oracle figures that Quidditch player brains is size of Snitch, only good at hit ball and throw ball but not at critical thinking. Only solution is to that Not a Walking Storm Cloud is bigger person and ignore players. They probably very frustrated but cannot smash boulder to let out anger in a healthy way. Maybe suggest anger management seminar to avoid creating hostile work environment.

Best of luck,

Oracle

➊➌

Dear Oracle,

I once saved a wizard from a wild troll attack, but instead of thanking me, he screamed and ran away! I don’t understand—how do I make wizards realize that not all giants are dangerous?

— Friendly, Not Fearsome

➀➂

Dear Friendly, Not Fearsome

Oracle has heard this one a lot. Is not Friendly, Not Fearsome’s fault, wizard probably peed his pants during attack and was embarrassed. Can happen with wizards. Maybe wizard unable to correctly assess situation due to panic and thought Friendly, Not Fearsome was trying to attack too? Oracle understands this would never happen, but maybe wizard not as intelligent as Oracle.

Am very sorry this happen to you but am afraid only solution is try to get over it and not take personally. Hopefully next interaction with human is better experience.

Best of luck,

Oracle

➊➍

Dear Oracle,

I’ve got a terrible snoring problem. Whenever I fall asleep, the vibrations shake the trees, send birds flying, and sometimes even cause rockslides. I don’t want to wake up buried in rubble again! How do I fix this?

— Accidental Earthquake Machine

➀➃

Dear Accidental Earthquake Machine,

Is time for sleep therapy! If snore that much, might be serious health problem! Is best to see skilled healer at St. Mungo’s, or if they not take issue seriously or if hospital room is too small, Oracle can give directions to Wise Old Giant In Cave In Foggy Mountains. Is very famous healer! Not a scam for sure.

Please hurry to see healer and not procrastinate. I know is scary, but is better than dying in sleep. But before go to healer, Accidental Earthquake Machine might want to check if maybe little wizard wand or similar small object is stuck in nostril and blocking airways. Happened to a distant cousin of Oracle.

Either way, please take snoring issue seriously! Is not only hazard for Accidental Earthquake Machine but also for surroundings. Oracle hopes Accidental Earthquake Machine not have angry spouse at home due to snoring.

Best of luck,

Oracle

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Dear reader — wizarding, giant, or otherwise —

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Do you have advice for the lovely giants in our inbox? Perhaps some of your own questions to the venerable Oracle? Then don’t forget to leave a comment!

Best of luck,

Team Hogwarts