Conan’s Change

*mild TW for species dysphoria*

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Conan’s Animagus Diary Entry

Transfiguration Extra Credit

#Transfiguramus

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Private diary of Conan C. Faolán. If you are not her, stop reading immediately.

                                                                    February 17

Today is the day I change.

It's been 3 and a half months that I've been working on the potion.

It’s not meant to take that long, but it hasn’t stormed in ages and I’ve been waiting with my phial hidden away all this time. When I finally got to spit out that stupid wretched leaf and mix it with the moth and my hair, I was so excited that I was nearly done. But I wasn’t, not even close. It was supposed to storm that week. It never did.

But tonight there’s supposed to be a storm. They said it’s not going to be a big storm, just rain, but I can tell. Tonight is the night.

When classes finally finish for the day and I’m trudging back toward the castle from the Herbology lesson, the dark gray clouds forming overhead make my double heartbeat beat a little faster. I smile and rush toward the castle to put away my things.

After dinner, I manage to slip away from my friends, Liam and June, and my sister, Fia. I tell them I’m tired from today’s mandrake potting and still had some Transfiguration homework to catch up on. I collect the crystal phial from where I hid it: wrapped in an old cloak, stuffed in an empty box, buried deep under my bed. And then I leave the castle, practically skipping across the lawn towards the dark treeline of the Forbidden Forest. Thunder rumbles overhead, wind blows across the grass, and I let out an excited whine.

It’s dark, in the forest. So dark I can hardly see. But I don’t need to see. I’ve memorized the route, practiced it over and over in my head the last few months while I waited for the storm. I wasn’t going to let anything go wrong.

When I reach the clearing, I look up into the dark sky. Still no lightning so far, but I have hope. I quickly cast some protection spells around myself, muttering “Protego Horriblis”.

The wind really starts to pick up, whipping my hair around my face and swaying the tops of the trees so that they creak dangerously. I hope they don’t fall while I’m here. And suddenly, while my eyes are fixed on the treetops, the sky is lit up with a blinding flash of lightning. Thunder explodes in a huge BOOM immediately afterward, directly overhead.

My eyes light up. Now is the time.

I quickly take off all my clothes, stashing them nearby. I press my wand to my heart and utter, for the final godforsaken time, the phrase I’ve been repeating day in and day out for months: “Amato, Animo, Animato, Animagus”.

My double heartbeat starts to hammer in my chest but I don’t let it phase me. I lift the phial to my mouth, fingers trembling slightly in anticipation, and drink the potion down in one gulp. It is not pleasant.

And I stand there, in the cold, in the forest, in the dark, in the storm. And I wait. And nothing happens. And for a moment I become heartbroken. Desperate.

This is all I’d ever wanted. Growing up with my Muggle father in the Muggle world, knowing deep down I was not human, I did not belong, I would never fit in. The way I’d been bullied all through my childhood for my autism, for acting like an animal, for not being like the other kids. Even after coming to Hogwarts, I knew I was different. None of them have ever heard the word ‘therian’. None of them understand. I try so hard to fit in with humans, but I just can’t. I was never meant to be human. I want to claw and rip and tear my stupid human skin off and let my canine self free of this prison of a body.

And then I learned of Animagi, and it was like I could be reborn. It was like my life was brighter, more hopeful. There was a way to fix it. There was a way to change my body to reflect exactly who I was. WHAT I was.

And even though the professor has told us explicitly we would not learn about Animagus transformations and warned us not to attempt one on our own, I knew I had to. I studied for ages on anything I could get my hands on about Animagi. I was ready. I had the whole process planned out, the ingredients ready, the path to the forest mapped, the leaf soaked in my mouth. I thought I was ready.

But it didn’t work. Had I done something wrong? Had I messed the potion up? Had I said the wrong words, had I waited the wrong amount of time, had I—

“AGH!” I collapse to my knees on the forest floor. A burning hot fire has exploded in my chest, spreading through my body. I cry out again, falling onto my side and writhing in pain.

And then I see it. A brief image in my head; dark, furry, four-legged. I worry for a moment about what happens if I don’t become my theriotype. If I’m wrong? If my Animagus form isn’t the animal I’m meant to be?

My arms start to stretch out. I can feel the fur sprout from my skin. My fingers shorten into paws, my ears lengthen. I try to scream again, but I can’t. My cries die in my throat as my face elongates. It’s excruciating and uncomfortable and feels like it goes on forever. My vision goes blurry for a moment.

And then I’m fine. I’m lying on the forest floor, hearing the echoes of the storm moving away over the forest. I can see the tops of the trees, the stars in the night sky. I can hear the hoot of an owl somewhere in the distance.

I pull myself up with a groan and try to stand. My weight feels different on my feet. My feet feel different. Everything feels different. I look down and see four black paws beneath myself.

My heart skips a beat and for a second I am worried I’ll never be able to breathe again.

But then I can and I’m running in circles and rolling in the leaves on the ground and jumping up in the air and wagging my tail. My tail! I have a tail!

I try to let out a happy cry, a laugh, a “Yippee”, but a bark comes bursting from my mouth instead. I can’t help but elate over the fact that I am letting out real dog barks.

I can barely stop myself from running towards the Black Lake, my legs moving so naturally, paws pounding against the dirt and grass. I skid to a halt in front of the water and peer cautiously over the edge.

The dark face of a black coyote stares back. Ears perked, golden eyes unblinking.

I can’t help but let out an ecstatic howl into the night. I’m home.

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hope you liked it! i’ve been working on Conan, a new therian oc, and hopefully posting her soon:)