Drake and Josh - Pilot Transcript

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Drake: My name is Drake Parker.

Josh: I'm Josh Nichols.

Drake: I should probably be doing my homework.

Josh: I'm just doing some homework here.

Drake: But it's more fun to do this. (plays guitar)

Drake and Josh: Man, i'm thirsty. (drinks)

Drake: I live here with my mom and my little sister Megan.

Josh: I got a great family even though it's just me and my dad.

Josh: I love that guy!

Drake: I love girls.

Drake: (drinks) So, my mom has been dating this guy.

Josh: So, my dad has been dating this woman.

Josh: She's really great.

Drake: He's okay, but he's got this kid that goes to my school.

Josh: She has a son that goes to my school.

Josh: Drake

Drake: Josh

Drake: It's not that I have anything against Josh.

Josh: I really don't know Drake all that well.

Drake and Josh: But, he seems kind of

Josh: Okay.

Drake: Unusual.

(Switches to Drake and Josh's house)

(Drake sees Audrey and Walter making out) Bleh!

(Drake blows whistle)

Audrey: Drake!

Drake: Hey, mom.

Drake: Mr. Nichols

Josh: What happened?! I heard screaming!

Walter: It's alright son, there's nothing to mop here.

Drake: Josh, wh-what are you doing here, what's he doing here?

Josh: Tell him.

Audrey: Wait, uh Drake quick get your sister.

Drake: (yelling) Megan!

Megan: Ugh! Are they done sucking face yet?

Audrey: Kids, Josh's dad and I have been going out for a long time now and, we have some news.

Drake: You got me a dirtbike?

Audrey: No.

Audrey and Walter: (excitedly) we're getting married!

Drake: Ugh! (pretending to throw up) M-m-meh

Walter: Yeah, we're going to be one big old happy family.

Drake: Wait, wait, you mean, he's going to be my stepfather?

Walter: (chuckles)

Drake: And you!! you're going to be my.. he's going to be my..

Josh: HUG ME BROTHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Drake screams)

(Drake and Josh theme song plays)

Audrey: Drake? Josh is downstairs.

Drake: Oh really? 'Cause I was just writin' a song about him.

Drake: It's called: "I'm not sharing my room with Josh".

Audrey: Look, I know this is gonna be a big adjustment, but I need you to give this a chance.

Drake: But mom, he's goofy, he's clammy.

Josh: Hiya, Drake!

Drake: He's here.

Josh: I brought you some licorice, the red kind, i know some people like the black kind. But I thought I'd play it safe and.

Drake: Mom, don't do this to me.

Josh: I should've got the black kind, right?

Audrey: Have a good time, boys.

Josh: Wow, cool room! Check out the bed!

Drake: Wait, wait! No, n-n-n-n-no!

Josh: Dude, these sheets match my jammies! So, where are you gonna sleep?

Drake: There! I sleep there! You sleep on the couch.

Josh: The couch? I don't know, I have lumbar problems.

Drake: Man, how much junk did you bring? Who reads the school newspaper?

Josh: I do, it's good. It's stupid

Drake: Ooh, look. A poem by janitor Jones: The toilet. Don't soil it.

Josh: That's clever.

Drake: Right.

Drake: Oh, and here's the worst: Miss Nancy's advice column. What a load.

Josh: A load o' good! I think Miss Nancy gives great advice.

Drake: Whatever, man.

Drake: I'm gonna go play some hoops

Josh: Uh, Drake? When will you be back?

Drake: I don't know. A few hours?

Josh: Good. I mean, have fun with the hoops and what not.

Audrey: Now it's my turn to kiss you.

Walter: Now it's my turn to kiss you.

Drake: Now it's my turn to throw up.

Audrey: Don't you have something to do?

Drake: Yeah, I'm gonna go play some ball.

Audrey: Well did you ask your brother if he wants to play?

Drake: You know mom. I really don't think Josh is the basketball type.

Walter: Sure he is! I taught him myself.

Walter: Here, toss me the rock.

Walter: Think fast!

Drake: Lamps don't think that fast.

Audrey: Just go ask Josh to play.

Drake: Hey, Josh. You don't want to go play some basketba.

Josh: I can explain! I can explain!

Drake: Mom! Josh is dressed like a freak!

Josh: I can explain!

Drake: Why are you dressed like Queen Latifah?

Josh: Because Oh, I can't tell you!

Drake: Mom! Josh is dressed like.

Josh: Shh! Alright! I'll tell you, but you gotta swear to keep it a secret.

Drake: Fine, I swear. Now talk.

Josh: Alright. I'm uh. I'm. Miss.Nanchh.

Drake: What?

Josh: I'm Miss Nancy, okay? I am Miss Nancy.

Drake: Wait.

Drake: From the advice column? From the school newspaper? You're Miss Nancy?

Josh: Yes.

(Drake laughs)

Josh: Quit laughing.

Josh: Being Miss Nancy's very important to me.

Josh: I help people with their problems.

Drake: You can't help people by wearing pants?

Josh: You don't understand.

Josh: I need the dress.

Josh: I-I can't write good advice without wearing it.

Drake: You want some good advice? Stop dressin' like a lady!

Josh: If dressin' like a lady helps me help others, then dress like a lady I shall!

Drake: Dear Miss Nancy,

Josh: Hey that-- Give me that!

Drake: My boyfriend doesn't understand me.He's never romantic.I wish he would just bring me flowers, or write me poems, or cook me romantic dinners.

Josh: That's for Miss Nancy's eyes only!

Drake: Wait a second. Purple ink? Dots her i's with little hearts? This letter is from Tiffany Margolis.

Josh: Quit sniffin' my mail!

Drake: Dude, Tiffany Margolis is like the hottest girl in school. But, hey, she's not happy with her boyfriend.

Josh: What are you thinking.

Josh: What are you thinking?!

Drake: Poor Tiffany.

Drake: So sad.

Drake: So lonely.

Drake: Sooo hott.

Drake: Yeah. I think I can help her.

Josh: No, no, I'm not gonna let you use my letter for your own selfish desires.

Drake: Fine, then I'll just tell the whole world that my new stepbrother Josh Nichols is the real live Miss Nancy.

Josh: You're not that evil.

Drake: People of the world, listen up! Josh Nichols is Miss Na.

Drake: Hey! Hey! My spine! My spine!

Josh: You can’t tell people I’m Miss Nancy.

Josh: You’ll ruin everything!

Drake: Fine.

Drake: Then don’t stop me from “helping” Tiffany.

Drake: Deal?

Josh: Alright.

Drake: Alright?

Josh: Alright.

Drake: Are those real?

Josh: Stop that!

Drake: Beauty.

Drake: Beauty.

Drake: Rhymes with, snooty? No.

Drake: Fruity! No.

Drake: Beauty.

Tiffany: What are you writing?

Drake: Oh nothin’, just a poem.

Tiffany: You write poetry?

Drake: I know, it’s dumb.

Tiffany: No, no. I don’t think it’s dumb at all.

Tiffany: Is this for a class?

Drake: Naw, it’s for a person.

Tiffany: Oh.

Drake: Well it would be for a person if I had a person for it to be for.

Drake: Yeah, well I better go.

Drake: I gotta go a recipe off the internet.

Tiffany: A recipe? You cook?

Drake: When i’m not picking flowers.

Drake: Listen.. Uhh. Tiffany, Drake.

Drake: I don’t know if you’re doing anything Friday night.

Tiffany: I’m not.

Drake: Really, uh. Maybe i could cook you some dinner.

Tiffany: That would be nice.

Drake: So it’s a date.

Tiffany: So, it is.

Drake: Cool.

(bell rings)

Tiffany: See ya.

Drake: That was too easy.

Josh: Evil!

Josh: Evil!!

(Scene switches to Drake and Josh’s house)

Walter: Drake, Josh. You’re dinner is on the table.

Drake: Kay.

Josh: Kay.

(Megan pours hot sauce in drinks and dinners)

Josh: No way!

Drake: Look, what’s the whole reason you do your Miss. Nancy advice columns, huh?

Josh: To help people with their problems, and or issues.

Drake: So if i buy Tiffany some flowers, write her a couple of poems, and cook her a nice, romantic dinner, that would solve her problem, won’t it?

Josh: Wait? You know how to cook?

Drake: Nope, but i hear you do.

Josh: No, no, no sir. I’m not cooking dinner for Tiffany.

Drake: I know who Miss. Nancy is!! I know who Miss. Nancy is! (Josh covers Drake’s mouth)

Josh: Ok, all right! I’ll cook the dinner. Aah! You hand licker.

Drake: Come on let’s eat.

(Drake and Josh scream and chugs drink)

(Drake and Josh scream again)

(Josh chugs water from vase and Drake drinks water from fish tank)

Drake: Gross!

Josh: Gross!

Drake: The window.

(Drake and Josh both fall through the window while Josh squirts hose to himself and then Drake and Josh drinks hose water)

(Megan shuts and locks window on Drake and Josh)

(Scene switches to Drake and Josh’s house again)

Tiffany: Drake, this ravioli is amazing. What’s it called?

Drake: Oh, w-well, you know it’s, it’s ravioli from a, from a llama.

Tiffany: Ooh, i’ve never heard of it.

Drake: Neither have I.

Tiffany: Who’s that?

Drake: Josh!

Josh: Hi.

Tiffany: Hi.

Tiffany: I know you. You go to our school, right?

Josh: (chuckles) Yeah.

Drake: Uh, Actually, Actually we’re stepbrothers, (teeth clinched) and Josh isn’t supposed to be here right now.

Josh: (teeth clinched) Can’t stay in the kitchen forever.

Drake: (teeth clinched) Why not?

Josh: (teeth clinched) I have to use the little boy’s room.

Drake: (teeth clinched) There’s a sink in the kitchen.

Tiffany: Josh did you try some of this ravioli that Drake made? It’s incredible.

Josh: Oh! Is it?

Josh: Now, tell me Drake! How do you make it?

Drake: Y-you know it’s really time for dessert. Tiffany i’ll take your plates.

Tiffany: You know your stepbrother is really something.

Josh: Yeah, he’s something.

Tiffany: I mean, he’s so sensitive, you know, the flowers, the poetry, this awesome dinner.

Tiffany: Man, my boyfriend never does any of this stuff.

Josh: I know. I mean i know what you mean.

(door knocks)

Tiffany: Who’s that?

(Josh: I don’t know.

(door knocks louder)

(Josh: All right, all right i’m coming.

(door opens and Buck grabs the back of Josh’s shirt)

Tiffany: Buck!

Buck: So! It’s true!

Josh: What?! That i have a concussion?!

(Buck grabs the collar of Josh’s shirt)

Buck: I turn my back for five minutes and you’re on a date.. with this clown!?

Josh: Trouble.... Breathing!

Tiffany: I can date whoever i want!

Buck: Yeah?! Well you can’t date a guy with no hands.

(Josh whimpers)

Buck: You’re hamburger meat! You understand me?!

Josh: But, i’m a vegetarian! (Josh cries)

Buck: Monday, three o clock, you and me! Have an ambulance ready! (Buck slams Josh to wall)

Tiffany: That was so romantic.

Drake: And dessert is here.

Drake: Josh, i thought you had to pee.

Josh: Done!

(Scene switches to Drake and Josh’s room)

Josh: How could you get me into a fight with Buck?!

Drake: Oh, this is my fault?

Josh: Oh, lemme think... Yes!

Josh: You realize he’s gonna destroy me?

Drake: He’s not gonna destroy you.

Josh: He’s huge, and stupid!

Josh: That’s a baaaad combination!

Drake: You’re right! He’s gonna kill you.

Drake: Hey, can i have your computer?

Josh: Ohhh! I can’t fight Buck! He’ll hurt me in so many ways.

Josh: What am i gonna do?!

Drake: I got it!

(Scene switches to Karate Dojo)

Sensei: Doh!

Drake: Uh, hey dude.

Sensei: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Sensei: Take a break.

Sensei: How can i help you?

Josh: I need you to make me an expert in karate by tomorrow.

(Sensei laughs)

Sensei: Gentlemen!

Sensei: You learn karate, it takes years of intense training.

Drake: But, yeah but can’t you just give him the one day crash course?

Sensei: No!

Sensei: Karate is in here! (points to head)

Sensei: Not in here! (points to muscles)

Sensei: Sometimes in here! (points to chest)

Sensei: One time in here! (points to stomach) But, that was after i swallowed a box of Funcakes.

Sensei: What? Do i have something in my teeth?

Josh: No! Look i got 48 hours, are you gonna teach me karate or not?

Sensei: I’m sorry boys! I can’t do nothing for you, in so little time.

Drake: We’ll give you 30 bucks cash.

Sensei: Let the training begin!

Sensei: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

(Drake and Josh both scream, terrified by the Sensei’s actions)

(Scenes go back and forth of Josh failing to perform karate, while a little girl is able to knock down Josh)

(Then hours, or possibly a day later, Josh starts doing better in karate)

(Little girl screams)

Josh: Yeah! Who’s the little girl now?!

Josh: I did it! Thank-Thank you!

Drake: Ah! Not comfortable with the hugging.

Josh: Ah, sorry.

Drake: So, you think he’s ready?

Sensei: As ready as 30 bucks will get him.

Sensei: So, you boys like.. chicken tenders?

(Scene switches to high school)

(Bell rings)

Drake: How you feel?

Josh: Good. Shock, k-iyaaah!

Drake: Don’t get over confident, this guy’s big, tough and stupid.

Drake: So the plan?

Josh: Right!

Drake: Go over there, you jab, you kick, and you stay away from him. Make him keep coming after you. Eventually, he’ll get tired, and you’ll.

Josh: Ki-yaaaah!

Drake: That’s my boy! You ready?

Josh: That’s good!

Drake: Here comes Buck!

Buck: Hope you have an ambulance standing by.

Josh: Yeah i do, for you!

(Crowd oooh’s)

Buck: Talk’s cheap.

Nerd: Forty quadlers for the newcomer.

Drake: the plan.

Josh: Right! I jab, i punch, and stay away from him until he gets tired, and then he’s my little girl, Ki-yaaah!

Drake: Do it!

Buck: You ready?

Josh: Oh, yeah baby, come on.

(Buck knocks out Josh with one punch)

Buck: Come on, Tiff, let’s get some sorbet.

Tiffany: Oh, Buck!

Scene switches to Drake and Josh’s house)

Josh: Where is it?! Where’d you put it?!

Drake: Thought you were never talking to me again.

Josh: I have to write my Miss. Nancy column. Now where is my dress?

Drake: I hid it.

Josh: That’s it! You are the worst stepbrother ever!

Drake: Ooh, Harsh. Going to make myself a sandwich.

Josh: You gimme my dress, or i’ll unleash 30 dollars worth of karate on you!

Drake: No!

Josh: Man!!

Drake: Look, i’m trying to do something nice for you. You-you said yourself you hated dres like a woman!

Josh: So?!

Drake: So, you don’t need the dress to give good advice.

Josh: I told you, i do.

Drake: You don’t.

Josh: Give me my dress!!!

Drake: No.

Josh: Give it!

Drake: Nope.

Josh: Drake!!!!!!

Drake: Question. If somebody told you that they had to wear a dress to give good advice. What would you say?

Josh: I don’t know!

Drake: What would you say?!

Josh: Drake-I.

Drake: What would you say?!

Josh: I’d say it’s ridiculous. I’d say, good advice comes from the heart, and in from what’s inside you, not the clothes you wear.

Drake: That’s stupid.

Josh: It’s not stupid.

Drake: Yeah it is, that’s stupid advice.

Josh: It’s good advice!

Drake: I’m sorry, what’d you say?

Josh: I said, it’s good advice.

Drake: Guess what, Josh? Looks like you just gave some good advice, and i don’t see you wearing any dress.

Josh: Holy.. You’re right!

Drake: I know.

Josh: I gave good advice, while wearing pants!

Drake: Praise be the pants.

Josh: I’ve never have to dress like a freakish, man-lady again!

Josh: Oh. Drake!

Drake: Mm!

Josh: Sorry. I’ve forgot that you’re not comfortable with the hugging.

Drake: Thanks.

Drake: (sighs) Look, man. I’m sorry I got you into this whole thing with Buck and the black eye.

Josh: It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to.

Josh: And listen, i’m sorry that i said you were a bad stepbrother, i didn’t mean that.

Josh: We still friends?

Drake: Friends? No way, man. We’re brothers.

Josh: May I?

Drake: Hug me brotha!!

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