We Find The Meaning Of Beauty Ourselves

🗓:: 𝖺𝗎𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗋: 𝗌𝖾𝖺 ┊͙

✁・・・ 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙄 𝙗𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙛𝙪𝙡 ?

𝙏𝙤𝙙𝙖𝙮, 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙜𝙧𝙚𝙚𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖 𝙗𝙡𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚

𝘼𝙣𝙙 𝙖 𝙘𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚

𝙏𝙤 𝙗𝙚 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙚𝙨𝙩

𝙏𝙤 𝙗𝙚 𝙝𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙨𝙩

"Mom am I beautiful?" I asked this one time when I was a kid, and she answered with a yes and a sweet kiss and tell me to go fix my things and do chores. I was only aware of what they say to me, and not what I think about myself. So when people call me beautiful. That is that. I was a free and easy child.

But that didn't last long, when I turned 14. I grew to become aware of myself. Bullying. Insecurities. Being an outcast. Toxicity In My Family's Name. Family Issues. How I am wanting to be different from other people, to become unique even when I end up being someone, being LIKE someone, because I thought it was unique. I felt I was beautiful that way. Atleast I felt something.

𝙁𝙞𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙞𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙙

𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙤𝙣 𝙗𝙚𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜

It all ended up differently when people started to group themselves based on their interests, while I was set aside from the group. All lost, not knowing where to be a part of, not knowing WHAT or WHO should I be. At this point, I started asking myself, who am I? And I only receive vague answers. The unfortunate and lonesome year of 2018.

Soon, I started to question myself. I started to look at this small pink mirror I have always used since 10th grade, and it makes me tear up seeing such a hideous face, akin to my mother. A face and a body all beat up by my own mother who used to be so loving. Everything started to affect me since then. And no one knows anything from me, aside from me looking at the mirror from time to time, and putting on that watermelon flavored Nivea chapstick. Being that silly 4'7" girl with a weird sense of humor.

𝘼 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙡𝙙 𝙨𝙤 𝙝𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙛𝙪𝙡, 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙙𝙞𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣 𝙗𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙮 𝙖𝙧𝙚

After all these storms, these fruitlessness and hollowness comes a spark - not a rainbow, for rainbows come attended, while sparks come smoothly and promptly - enough for your heart to break into two and entrust your other half to someone who gave this spark, hopefully it wasn't borrowed. You bury your vows into their lips, not noticing the collission but no stranger to its touch.

"Am I beautiful?" I asked once again, to which he answered Yes. It hit different. It feels as though I am drowning into their pleasing answers. I drowned, fell deeper and saw a paradise underneath the sea of stygian darkness. And there, behold, a lesson. I learned to love myself and to understand the beauty of being loved, how it greatly impacts what I think of myself, how I felt abandoned and then found. It wasn't because he called me beautiful, but all because he made me FEEL beautiful.

𝘼 𝙥𝙚𝙣𝙣𝙮 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙢𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙨

𝙤𝙝 𝙣𝙤, 𝙞'𝙡𝙡 𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙢 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙖 𝙙𝙤𝙡𝙡𝙖𝙧

𝙏𝙝𝙚𝙮'𝙧𝙚 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙝 𝙨𝙤 𝙢𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙛𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙄'𝙢 𝙖 𝙜𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙧

And now, comes the present time. With my fingers tapping on the screen, miles away from his touch with my desire for this love so heavenly to last forever and perpetually.

"I am beautiful!" An echo of a memory made its way to me, the voice of a 12 year old child. She pose with her peace sign and other palm on her waist confidently and lips quirked upwards in a playfully joyous manner. Her older brothers on the side, taking a video of her giddiness. I thought I had forgotten those years I became happy, now it all clashes in my thoughts, grinding and causing a great collission in my head. Gaining a perk of realization.

I sighed with relief and a hint of poignancy, as I type my last words for this blog. These haunting memories and events that happened to me along the way being shared to every one of you all. Fervently praying, Hoping you'd find your meaning.

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Blog cover made by me

Headers made by me

Character Rendered by me

True to life story

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