Stories of Honor: The Worst, Most Intense Game of Uno

Note: This is my own drawing, but the Centurion face was traced from this sad Polnareff.

Enjoy...?

Again, non-canon in any way within my “universe”, I wish it was.

Warning: Language?

April 32, 2020, 15 a.m

   The year is 2020. The world is entirely at peace. However, due to the acts of the existence of Chernobyl and America, the world’s resources have nearly been all eradicated. This lead to the restart of the medieval age, as there weren’t enough resources to make modern day technology. This was widely regarded as a terrible move by the world. Nearly every person has migrated to a small island containing Valkenheim, Ashfeld, and The Myre. Fortunately, everyone speaks English, and speaks their native languages from centuries ago. Unfortunately, the only form of entertainment is Uno. This has lead to the very first game of Uno, within the central area of the island, where all factions meet. The game is played in The Cube. Literally just a giant white cube containing the Uno deck and a table.

* * *

   “Plus quattuor tenetur!”

    Plus four, bitch! The Centurion yells. Immediately, an intense start to the first game. The Black Prior looks over at the Centurion with his shit eating helmet, who has received the +4. The Orochi mildly sweats, as he’s right next to the Black Prior.

   “Fucking dumbass.” The Black Prior puts down another +4, making it red. The Orochi is forced to draw 8 cards. Unfortunately, he gets nothing, just some random numbers.

   “oOOoOh, fUcKing REtArd NeeE- I will eat your kids, you fucking shoe-“  

    “Shut up, whore! I’m next.” The Valkyrie says, slamming the table.

   She draws cards, as she has nothing for the red. One card is drawn, then another, and then another. Every time she draws you can tell she gets angrier by the second. Everything gets more intense, no one will know what she will draw. The Lawbringer is sweating through his armor as she keeps drawing. The Shaman just really, really wants some neck right now. Everyone else doesn’t care.

   “Draw a red, you irrumabo!” The Centurion says with pride.

   “I’m drawing, I’m drawing! Ég hata þig og þennan leik...”

   The Valkyrie draws her last cards. She’s not at 20 cards. She stares at the Lawbringer with the most rapiest face she can make with a helmet on.

   “Don’t tell me you have...”

   She slams the card down...

   The Yellow 5. The most beautiful, most terrifying card in existence. It has the power of 1,000 Orochi lights.

   “It’s... just a yellow 5?” The Lawbringer says with confusion.

   “No, you don’t understand what power that has. It’s worse than the shadows of Hitokiri.” The Shaman explains.

   “BITCH, IT’S JUST A FUCKING NUMBER-“

   The Shaman slaps the Lawbringer with the flat side of her axe.

   “You don’t talk to the Yellow 5 like that.”

   “You know what- fine! Fine! I’ll play a card. It wasn’t even a red nor a 2, what the fu-“

   “You don’t. Talk to the Yellow 5. Like. That.”

   The Lawbringer places down a crumbled green 5. The Shaman drops down a nibbled on Yu-Gi-Oh! card. The Lawbringer face plants his face on the table and groans.

    “Do it again! Etiam!” The Centurion says, putting down a green +2.

   “Hah! I like your style.” The Black Prior exclaims, placing down another green +2.

   “Stacking is allowed?! I give up, I hate this game. I want to leave- fuck you all.” The Orochi draws 4 cards.

   “At least you don’t have 20 cards you ass!”

   She puts down a green reverse card.

   “Finally! It’s time for revenge.” The Orochi puts down a green skip card.

   The Valkyrie quickly puts down another green skip card.

   “AND jump in is allowed?!” The Orochi unsheathes her sword and skewers it on the wooden table.

   “Next person to piss me off will taste my blade!”

   ...

   There’s only a small snicker by the Shaman.

* * *

   “I want to die...” The Lawbringer groans.

    It has been 2 hours. Everyone has hit uno, but no one has actually put down all their cards.

   “Uno...!” The Lawbringer says with exhaust.

   “I don’t care, just end the game...” The Shaman says, putting down a yellow 4.

   “No, fuck that! My pride is on the line, my grand pride and integrity!” The Centurion says, placing a yellow +2.

   “Nobody cares, it’s been 2 hours! I don’t even have a +2 this time.” The Black Prior complains, drawing 2.

   “Revenge time!” The Orochi puts down a +4 and makes it blue.

   “FUCK YOU! I SWEAR TO ODIN’S UGLY BEARD HE HAS A BLUE! FUCK THIS SHITTY GAME!” The Valkyrie screams, throwing her cards across the table.

   “I don’t care... I just wanna leave, fuck you. I win...”. The Lawbringer flops his hand on the table and wins with a blue 8.

   “ÉTTU SKÍT! I QUIT! I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!” The Valkyrie flips the table, knocking everyone’s cards out.

   The Orochi and Valkyrie take out their weapons and duel.

   “Bar fight!” The Black Prior shouts, bashing the tired Lawbringer with his shield.

   “My pride is ruined! Fuuuuuck...”. The Centurion walks to the corner and huddled into the fetal position and has a mental breakdown.

   The Shaman simply watches menacingly whilst nibbling on an Uno card.

   “I wonder where the Chinese guys were... Hey, does anyone wanna play Dos?”

Oh my god this was fucking terrible. It was a lot better in my head

Maybe I should go with memes and not “comedic” stories oh god