Promise For Life

“How did this happen?”

Here, I stand on the dark stage along with the EXO . Surrounding us, thousands of our beloved fans ionately cheer and scream for us. Even though the cheers are deafening, my heart pounds against my chest with happiness and guilt. Before the concert, the seats were empty and the atmosphere hung heavily in the air as we rehearsed, creating a hollow sensation. All I could see was a sea of blackness. Now, the whole area is filled with speckled lights from the fans who are excitedly waving their EXO light sticks.

“How did this happen?” I silently repeat to myself.

A soft, slow melody starts to play. The sound of a single piano key being pressed vibrates in the air with a precise and clear note. Two more keys follow after that with the same precision. The fans start to cheer wildly with excitement as the song starts. The cheers eventually turn into screams when Baekhyun starts to hum with his strong yet gentle voice.

Soon, Chen’s smooth vocal blends in, “Sometimes, I close the door and fall into my thoughts. Thinking about myself on stage.”

Listening to the lyrics, all I can do is to close my eyes and all those moments where I had locked myself inside a room. Being all alone in the deafening silence, I would always wander deep into my thoughts. Even at night before I fall asleep, I laid on my bed, ing about all the times I have been on the stage; ing the happiness and difficulties I experienced.

In those memories, I would occasionally stumble across complicated hardships I have faced. Then, I would always question myself, “How did I managed to keep moving forward?”

I would think for hours, trying to come up with a solution; but in the end, I would always return to the one and only answer; love. It was the love and I received which helped me overcome my adversities and move forward, even to this day.

After Chen finished his lines, Lay ionately continues, “You even liked my clumsy moments. But I wonder if I even deserve that love.”

I did wonder to myself. I always do. Even now. Did I really deserve all that love from the fans?

As I question myself, D.O softly sings, “You always waited for me at that spot. You embraced me with your arms, so thankful to you.”

Those lyrics describe exactly how I feel. I can't find any other words to describe how thankful I am to the fans. No matter what we did or how foolish we were, our beloved fans never left us in the dust. Even at the darkest times, they ed us from the shadows. That was like the stars that flicker in the pitch-dark galaxy; the stars that shine with rays of hope. Those rays were the light that guided us through the darkness, helping us move forward step by step.

“I won’t ever forget. I will make you happy. Just like the saying, we are one.” With each word, Baekhyun’s voice crescendoes. Every single fiber on his body tightens as he hits and holds the high note. All his emotions seems to be pouring out from that one note.

I didn't know what to feel.

Before I can have the time to think, I raise the microphone that I was holding to my lips and harmonize along with the other EXO , “Even after time, I couldn’t say anything and just swallowed my words. Words saying, I’m sorry, I love you, please believe in me like you do now.”

The others stop singing, but I continue to sing, putting all my heart into it, “I’ll hug you, I’ll hold your hands. If your heart can be at rest.”

Slightly panting from the exertion, I silently listen to Xiumin singing his line with his beautiful, high-pitch voice, “I’ll give it my all.”

As Xiumin stunningly holds the end of the note, my mind is now whirling with emotions… Chaotic ones.

Ever since Kris and Luhan left, everything had just been a mess. When Kris left, all of us were in a state of shock, unable to comprehend our surroundings. Our once lively and cheerful energy within the team dissipated in mere seconds. The gap that was left due to Kris’s departure is huge. Luhan’s departure made it even wider. During these times, we did not have the face to stand in front of our fans… Especially me.

I, as the leader, was suppose to be responsible for each and every member in EXO. So how did this happen? Why was I unable to help Kris and Luhan when they needed it? Why was I unable to create the dream team that I always imagined it to be in the future? Why was I unable to bring the team together?

Even though I know the answers to these endless questions that fill up my mind, I still keep blaming myself. Almost every night, these memories and events will continue to haunt and torment me, causing all the guilt I had piled up to come crashing down all at once onto me which eventually left me breathless.

Kai’s unique, hushed-tone brings me back out of my thoughts. “I want to protect your smile.”

Echoing Kai’s line, Sehun whispers, “Protect.”

“Always.” Baekhyun gently sings.

Before Chanyeol begins his rap, I how I almost decided to step down as a leader. The responsibility and burden placed on my shoulder was just too much. It tore and wore down my heart every second of the day. No matter what circumstances it is, the leader is always responsible for any actions that happens within the team.

As the team fell apart, the shame I felt consumed me, making me feel vulnerable and exposed. I knew there were people who would take advantage of these situations to send harsh remarks, bringing EXO’s reputation down. This caused me to feel even more discouraged as a leader. Furthermore, I wonder why I couldn’t stop Luhan from leaving like Kris did. Wouldn't I, as a leader, learn from my first mistake and make changes? Apparently not. The moment that Luhan left, I believe that I wasn't suited to be a leader. I didn't meet the expectations I believed—and occasionally still do— that were required for a leader.

But.

It was Lay that slowly brought the team together. Being one of the two Chinese left in EXO, Lay worked even harder than before. Lay’s efforts inspired me to once more work hard again and I eventually managed to overcome the adversities I faced. Bit by bit, I gathered up my courage to bring our group together and perform on stage once again.

However.

I can see that all the hard work is taking a huge toll on Lay. If anybody asked who works the hardest in EXO, I would it that Lay works harder than any of us here, especially when Tao left to heal himself at America.

Speaking of Tao, I hope he feels better soon. Luck wasn't on his side as his ankle injury worsened every time we did something, causing him to be unable to stand on stage to sing and dance with us anymore. Before Tao left to heal, he went on stage once more to tell our fans his final, emotional apology and gratitude. He also left a single promise to all his fans. That day was quite hard on all of us. Kai and Tao had cried on that stage. As much as I wanted to cry, I held it in. If I cried as a leader, the rest of the would be disheartened. Instead, I walked around to encourage them and tried to slightly lighten up the mood so that the fans wouldn’t worry and cry. We all promised that we would be together again.

Even though everything seems fine now, little did I know that later on, Tao will break the exact same promise and follow the same path as Kris and Luhan, causing me to once more breakdown and spiral down into a deep, torturous hole. Like a déjà vu, I would question my role as a leader and the blames I will receive upon myself will be endless. Guilt and shame will once more consume me as we once again break our promise to our beloved fans; however, that story is another story to be told in another time.

I turn to look at Lay. Despite his innocent, childish looks and happy waves to the fans, his figure seems small and vulnerable. Ever since Luhan left, Lay was quite lost. With only half of the Chinese left in the group, Lay spent more time alone and staring into space.

This made us all worried. We worried that Lay might leave EXO next. The maknae line in our group went up to Lay and asked, “Hyung, you won't leave us too will you?”

By then, we were all disheartened and stressed out. Not only did we have sadness that glimmered in our eyes and wavered voices as we speak, but we also had the expression of a lost child who doesn’t know how to react after losing a mother.

Lay, who saw us in such a distress, could no longer hold back his tears that he had been holding for a long time. This was the one promise he broke to his fans. He promised them that he would not cry. He stared at us through teary eyes and answered us with a sorrowful voice, “I won't leave the group. I promise.” He hung his head low and lifted his trembling hands up to his face, sobbing. Tears stared to pour out from his eyes. They slid down his pale cheek and dropped off from his chin, splattering onto the ground.

Even though we were slightly relieved by his promise, we couldn't help but feel even more disheartened while watching Lay cry. It was the first time we have ever seen Lay so upset before. I then realized that Lay must have had a harder time than all of us. Being a Chinese person, it was hard to get along here and speak Korean all the time. He often spoke Chinese when the other Chinese were around, especially Luhan. Now that Tao has left to heal, he no longer has anyone he can talk to in Chinese.

Despite these obstacles, Lay worked harder than ever. I knew that Lay wasn't the type of person to break his promise; he would even sacrifice a part of himself in order to keep that promise. I ire Lay’s loyalty and determination; but, I’m afraid that one day, Lay might just collapse from the weight of all the stress he presses onto himself. Furthermore, he doesn't take care of himself and rest as much as he needs to. I had persisted him to take better care of himself. Lay would always say he is taking care of himself; but, truth to be told, he feels like he hasn't done enough to satisfy the fans.

I also ire this part of Lay, he always thinks of others before himself. I wonder if I would become a better leader if I was just a bit more like him and just maybe… maybe, none of this would have happened.

Chanyeol starts to rap with a hushed voice, “At some point, it seemed like you were crying even when you were smiling. You couldn’t love me with a peaceful heart and you longed for me as you ed the memories. My heart ached for you. I couldn’t even comfort you, saying that it’ll get better, that it’ll be forgotten. So I’m nervous again. I want to hold onto you and ask you not to leave.” By now, his voice raises louder and louder. His face contorts to a pained expression. Using every single cell in his body, he uses every ounce of energy to portray his feelings out into the microphone.

No matter how many times I hear him rap that part, it pierces my heart like an arrow, making my heart writhe in pain. I can hear his honest feelings being voiced out through the speakers. I watch as he uses his whole body to convey all the his feelings that he has been holding in. It almost seems like I can feel his pain. During Tao’s last concert, we had sung Promise too. After the song, Chanyeol had cried uncontrollably.

I stare at Chanyeol worryingly. Even though he rarely shows it, I know he has build up a lot of stress inside himself that the other and I don't know about. We usually don't notice it because he always puts his happy virus mask on all the time. He always says he’s fine and never lets any of us know. Although, I do know that at one point, a trigger will cause him to release all his stress at once, causing him to burst into tears; but when he cries, he usually cries alone. He isolates himself from us so that we wouldn't have to worry about him. What he doesn't know is that it causes us to worry even more. I wish that Chanyeol can open his feelings to us and share his burden with us…

Listening to the lyrics, I this. We all love our fans greatly. We appreciate the love and from our fans. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have gotten as far as we did today. When Kris left, our fandom was in chaos. Sadness and confusion overwhelmed them like we were. Not only were we upset that we lost some of our fans, but we also couldn't stand the fact that the others were still trying to us despite that they were sad. Even to this day, I wonder how deep these fans’ loyalty run.

Just as things were about to settle down, the news of Luhan’s departure spread quickly like a wildfire. Another chaotic confusion happened. Some fans started to doubt the relation between the EXO while others couldn’t stand the pain of watching the team fall apart and started to slowly float away from us. This added onto our already pained hearts. We felt as if nobody no longer loved us or ed us anymore. Even when there were some loyal fans ing us in the shadows, we could still see the sadness that shines deep inside their eyes. As much as we wanted everyone to forget these incident and say that everything will be fine, the happy memories in the past will never be forgotten. The memories of the twelve as one.

Releasing every last drop of his energy, Chanyeol yells ionately into the microphone, “I know I can’t turn back a promise that I’ve already broken. But I want to live and breathe next to you for all my life. I pray that you’ll be happy like you were in the beginning.” He pauses for a beat. Then, he emphasizes, “ Thank you. I’m sorry. I love you. Even if I give you my everything, it’s not enough. My love, I’ll protect you forever. Just follow me.” Towards the end, his voice returns to being a quiet hushed sound. Despite being tall, he seems small, looking like he is on the verge of collapsing.

When Chanyeol rapped with all his heart into it, the stadium was filled with swirling emotions. Every single word left a deep impression in the air. My heart twists and turns at every word being said. Even though we hadn't promised our fans we would stay together forever, it still felt like that promise was a given. We all hadn't realized how much our fans were in pain from all these shocking events.

When we realized it, it was already too late. The words that we were supposed to say to them were never spoken out. We kept it inside as we were still quite conflicted with everything; the departures, the hate we receive, the accusations, the loss of , and many more events that hit us hard to the very core of our soul. With all these happening, we were unable to get our priorities right. Even when we thought of speaking out, we were afraid to do so. We were afraid of our fans’ reaction... Afraid of the words that might be thrown at us… Afraid of losing what dignity we had left.

Once we were able to hold ourselves together, our fandom had long been broken into a messy state. Quarrels happened here and there. Meaningless arguments would turn into wars as our fandom started to split up. Those that still kept ing us tried to convince others; but, without anything to back them up, they spoke with empty words. Without our words of reassurance, our fans didn't know what to do anymore. A question that most likely went through all their heads was, “Is there going to be another member leaving?”

It pained us all to see this. No matter what we said, every fan heard it with slight doubts on their mind, unable to determine whether or not we speak the truth. As a result, we decided that we should create a song just for our fans. Many of us didn't know how to create a song. Lay, Chen and Chanyeol were the ones that painstakingly created the song, “Promise.”

“You always waited for me at that spot.” Xiumin sings, continuing off from Chanyeol. “You embraced me with your arms, so thankful to you.”

After Xiumin, Chen sings with his angelic voice, “I won’t ever forget. I will make you happy. Just like the saying, we are one.” As he held the note at the end, his voice seems to shake a lot.

This caught me off guard. I look towards Chen. While observing Chen, I once again brought the microphone to my lips and sang along with the other eight EXO , “Even if it’s hard and I’m tired, even if my heart is in pain, I’ll go on stage again. I’ll muster up my strength once again for you, who has waited for me.”

As I sing, I can see Chen standing on the stage, facing the thousands of fans with a smile on his face. His face seems to be glowing bright with happiness as he glances at all the fans around him.

However.

I know him better than that. I have to it, Chen’s singing abilities are incredible. While performing, he never fails to hit the high notes. I envy him because he always seem to do it so effortlessly.

Today seems to be a different story. I would like to mention that first of all, we had a good rest before the concert today. Second, we aren't even dancing. Last but not least, Chen just doesn't seem like… Chen. In front of the fans, he always wants to create a happy atmosphere to make the fans laugh. Right now, Chen is holding strong; but, it seems like if someone places a single feather on him, he might collapse on the spot. I look closer at his face. Chen’s mouth slightly trembles as he sings. Even if I am not a hundred percent sure that Chen is on the verge of crying, then I am at least ninety-nine percent sure that he is. Chen has always been good at holding back his tears when he is in front of people. If I correctly, I rarely ever seen him shed tears. The only tears I've seen him shed was from happiness.

My heart throbs in pain as I turn my gaze away from Chen. Every EXO member has suffered tremendously. There were so many times where we just didn't want to go up stage anymore. Our will to perform slowly diminished like a fire on a candle, flickering out of existent with one puff of air. We were losing track of our paths as our minds shrouded with countless doubts. This eventually made us question our group as a whole.

But here, we stand on stage again. Every time we looked at our fans, we realized we have thousands of loyal, beloved fans who waited for us… Relied on us to comfort them. Suppressing our disheartened hearts, we gathered our courage and strength to perform on the stage over and over again.

As I come out of my thoughts, I see Baekhyun standing in a distant, waving with a warm smile to the fans. Seeing him reminds me of Tao’s last concert again.

As we sang “Promise” that day, I never knew that day would be the day where I… No… All EXO would first see Baekhyun’s tears… Heartbreaking tears. Before, in EXO Showtime, only Luhan said that he saw Baekhyun crying once. Now, we all have seen him cry. To be honest, that face I saw on Baekhyun that day will be the face that I never want to see on him again. His usual happy and playful demeanor was gone. Now, with swollen red eyes, he stood beside us sniffling. He tried to stop crying. We tried to cheer him up. In the end, tears still poured out of his eyes endlessly.

Knowing Baekhyun, I knew that he wasn't the type of person to break down so easily. I believe that the song was just a trigger that broke down his fragile walls. Within those walls, all the stress he has build up inside himself came pouring out. I also believe that the departure and Tao’s last concert was only just a small portion of his stress.

The hates he had received about the rumors of Taeyeon and him dating together, the endless hard work to fill in the missing gaps, the worries and guilt he had carried, and many other stresses, were all hidden by the mask of his smiling face. He always made sure to keep it on so that we wouldn't have to worry; in fact, it made us happy. I am amazed that he managed to keep a smiling in front all his fans all the time, even with the hates he received. He must have been in so much pain; but in the end, he went up on stage just so that the fans who still loved him can see him. He would act playful and cute in front of them just so that the fans wouldn't worry about him. A lot of people might not know, but even though he seems a little selfish and careless on the outside, his heart is always thinking of others first.

Kai’s voice returns me to the present. As if Chen is the start of a chain reaction, Kai’s voice slightly cracks as he sings, “I’ll hug you, I’ll hold your hands.”

“If your heart can be at rest.” Xiumin sings with ion. His voice strains with effort. He almost doesn't reach the high notes with his unsteady voice.

D.O continues, “I’ll give it my all.” D.O’s voice is relatively strong as he holds the note at the end; but, there wasn't a single trace of happiness showing on his face.

I can barely hold on much longer. This concert is our first time performing as nine . Ever since Tao’s departure for America, we all have felt disheartened again. It almost feels like another member has disappeared in our group again, leaving us with only three quarters of our original group here. The unbearable sensations of loneliness, emptiness and sadness cling the air, threatening to crush us.

I turn towards Kai, I see his face hanging low as he stares at the ground. Then, he lifts it up and, with watery eyes, gazes at the thousands of fans waving ionately with their light sticks. Another pang of pain hits my heart just by watching Kai.

In the last concert with Tao, Kai had made a very emotional speech. Tears poured down his face as he used his black cap to cover his eyes. With a shaky voice, he explained to the fan with his honest feelings, “We’ve thoroughly prepared this concert for about one month. On the first day, I was afraid that I would be unable to go on the stage with the . Because of that anxiety, I inevitably felt downhearted.” Kai stopped a bit to control his emotions. “But it was fortunate that I managed to go through till the concert ended. In order to show a better performance, I’ll work even harder.” Kai almost bursted into a sob; but, he managed to hold it in to say his one final message, “Thank you for always loving us.” Unable to hold back any longer, he bends over, sobbing.

I was standing beside him the whole time. I could only put my hand on his shoulder and give him a squeeze of reassurance. I stood there, unable to bring a smile to my lips. My heart squeezed painfully as I ed the hardships we had to overcome.

When Kris and Luhan left, we worked day and night, trying to fill in those missing gaps. While trying to fill in those gaps, we worked hard with strained efforts. During the process, we all shed sweat, tears and blood… Some even ed out due to the strenuous exertion. With concerts that seems to come one after the other, we barely slept in hopes to perform well in front of our fans; however, even though we managed to replace Kris and Luhan’s parts, even when we changed the dance to suit the ten of us, it still wasn't the same. Every time we sing and dance to our past songs, there was always that missing gap we can never ever or hope to cover. It stayed there like a permanent stain on a white sheet. Even if we cut it off and sewed it together, there would always be a tiny gap in between the stitches. Furthermore, now that Tao left, we also had to work endlessly to fill in that gap too… But, we hope it wouldn't last long. We hope that Tao will come back and, once again, become one with us.

Every one of us could relate to Kai. We were anxious how the fans would react. We were worried about how the performance would go. We would always wonder if we did the right thing. We would always question ourselves, “Have we done enough?”

Even with all these feelings inside our hearts, we still found the strength that was hidden deep within us and performed on stage. Every time we do, we would always be greeted with a warm welcome by all our fans. We could barely describe our feelings. It was like an emotional roller coaster ride. We were all in an indescribable amount of joy, happiness and gratitude. It was then, we valued our fans even more. Their love and their was what gives us the strength to move forward… and be what we are today.

Tearing my gaze away from Kai, I turn to look at Xiumin. Xiumin seems to be quite cheerful as he waves to his fans. I also knew him better than that. Like Chen, Xiumin voice is relatively stable when he performs. Hearing his voice waver like that had surprised me as much as Chen did. Xiumin is always strong on the outside, nobody has ever seen his tears except during EXO Showtime, episode four, when we were watching the sad, tragic film. As I stare at Xiumin, I think back to the last concert that Luhan performed as an EXO member.

Before that concert, Luhan had told us all that he would leave. We were all heartbroken by the news; but, we kept a positive and cheerful atmosphere in the concert. Instead of feeling sorrow and looking miserable, we decided to make the most out of Luhan’s last concert. A memorable one that we won't ever forget.

During a few of the songs, I saw Luhan tearing up; however, he held it all back, not letting a single one slip down his face. He just stared at the fans with a smile on his face as he enjoyed every moment with us. In that concert, he had the brightest smile I have ever seen from him.

We all tried to do nice nice things to Luhan. Xiumin, along with Lay, stayed close to Luhan’s side during the concert. Xiumin had a sad expression from time to time when he looked at Luhan. Although, whenever Luhan looked at Xiumin, Xiumin’s lip instantly curved upwards. Like all of us, he wanted to make the most out of this concert and make it memorable. Throughout the whole concert, the air tingled with excitement from the music and the fans; however, the sadness clung to our heart like glue, unable to scrape it off.

On the other hand, I Lay clenching his mouth as he wrapped his arms around Luhan. I thought that Lay was going to cry. Looking at him, an overwhelming sadness washed over me. Lay was hugging Luhan like he never ever wanted to let go of him… As if holding Luhan was the only thing that kept his sanity. Luhan, who understood Lay’s intention, just stayed in Lay’s embrace. Both of them looked solemn and stayed in that position for awhile. Eventually, Lay released Luhan.

When Luhan left, our oldest member, Xiumin, didn't have anyone in his year of age anymore. Furthermore, Luhan was one of his closest friends. Even though I was the leader, Xiumin also felt responsible for the group as he was the oldest. Therefore, he carefully listened to each and every problems until they feel slightly relieved. Xiumin helped all of us release the huge burden from our hearts.

However.

Xiumin himself didn't release the burden that pressed on his shoulders. Since Xiumin is more of a listener than a talker, I didn’t know about it. It was when I walked past Xiumin’s room one day, I saw Xiumin through the gap of the door. He was sitting by the window looking outside. I halted in my steps to observe.

Xiumin propped his head with his arms. He stared outside, gazing into a distant. On the window sill, a coffee mug sat there, untouched. I recognized that mug. It was the matching mug that Luhan also had. They would often drink coffee together, which was why they both bought a matching mug. Even though Xiumin often spend time alone, a vibe of loneliness emitted from him.

Suddenly, something sparkling on Xiumin’s face caught my eye. I peered at his face. The sun outside was shining brightly and the rays of light hit Xiumin’s brilliant figure. A tiny portion of the rays that hit Xiumin’s face reflected off a single tear that slid down his round cheek. I was caught off guard from what I saw. In EXO Showtime, episode four, we have established that Xiumin is the one who cried the least. Seeing him shed silent tears again was a surprise for me. I soon realized that Xiumin suffered a lot from the loneliness, being unable to have someone to freely talk to. I didn't know what to do. I wasn’t the best at comforting people. I felt like I would have made matters worse if I went in to comfort Xiumin. Thus, I left, leaving Xiumin’s lonely figure in the room along with his untouched mug of coffee.

As my mind whirls with memories on our oldest member, I suddenly think about our youngest member, Sehun. I turn my head to end up seeing the usual, frown face Sehun has. He doesn't have much lines in this song. Thus, he stands there silently, scanning the crowd of fans.

Similar to Xiumin, Luhan and Sehun were practically best friends. Whenever we were able to get some rest as a group, I can always see those two together. Even though I was the first person to take care of Sehun, Luhan was Sehun’s first best friend. They seem to look like they were meant for each other; just like connecting two puzzle pieces together, fitting perfectly. They were practically inseparable. Luhan was always able to get a smile from Sehun, especially by tapping under his chin.

That suddenly reminded me of something. When Chanyeol cried during Tao’s last concert, Sehun was also depressed. I had tried to cheer him up, but I ultimately failed. Other also tried to cheer him up. One of them even tapped under his chin like Luhan would always do. No smile. He stayed gloomy for awhile before returning to his straight face again.

I was heartbroken. Luhan’s departure had definitely made a big impact on Sehun. I just wish Sehun would be able to move on soon; but, somewhere deep in my mind, I knew that this is something that he would never forget or move on for life.

I painfully turned my gaze away from Sehun, but then, I find myself looking at D.O now. Even though he waved to the fans, his heart-shaped lips never curved upwards. I couldn't help but feel strangely sad as I watch him.

Even though D.O is usually a quiet person and rarely shows his inner feelings, he suddenly appears to be much more quieter now than before. It is almost seems as if he has a thick invisible wall around him, preventing us from seeing his inner feelings.

I think about it for a moment, trying to the last time I saw D.O being fairly open about his feelings. A sudden realization occurs to me. It was before Kris left.

The more I think about it, the more I realized something… Something unbelievable yet undeniably true. When Kris was still around, D.O seemed to have a deep respect for him. It might not even be respect. It was almost like a brotherly relationship. I have scrolled through the Internet to find pictures that our fans took, but not once have I ever seen D.O frown when he was beside Kris. Instead, I see a different personality portrayed from D.O. A more… Playful, younger-brother type of personality. Furthermore, D.O usually has a silent laugh; however, if I correctly, when we heard Kris’s fearful yell in the haunted house, D.O actually bursted out into laughter.

It's been a long time since I heard his laughters. I think deeper. D.O did have an older brother. Is it possible that Kris reminded D.O of his older brother? As much as I would like to ask this question to D.O personally, I knew it would cause more pain to both of us. I decided to keep this thought to myself. I just hope I can hear a heartfelt laugh from D.O again soon.

As I zoned into my thoughts, I suddenly hear a chorus of people quietly sing, “You and I.”

I realize that my part is next. Almost missing the beat, I quickly bring the microphone to my mouth and sing with my feelings, “Such good days. Being on stage on my birthday that I spent with you.”

After I finish, D.O continues, “When your words became such strength to me.”

As D.O holds the end of the note, Lay, with his soft voice, harmonizes with D.O, “I know.”

As if that is the cue, Xiumin s in, “I’ll promise you, I won't disappoint you.”

Blending in perfectly with Xiumin, Lay echoes, “I’ll promise you, I’ll always make you smile.”

“Promise me, just stay like you are right now.” Baekhyun emotionally sings.

With a perfect pitch and intensity, Lay echoes to Baekhyun’s lyrics, “Promise me so I can see you.”

Listening to the indescribable beauty of the harmony, my throats suddenly tightens as I strain to maintain a straight face. Everytime when I celebrate my birthday with our fans, my happiness and joy reach up to the never-ending universe. The same applies to the other . The first time I celebrated my birthday with my fans, I thought that only one hundred would come; but, to my surprise, the whole area filled up with fans as they all wildly celebrated for my birthday. The other had the same experience. Receiving and reading the gifts and messages from our fans were also wonderful. It showed us the many fans out there who are still loving and ing us from close and far.

The love and from our fans helped us through so many difficulties. Our fandom’s name, EXO-L, is a treasure that I can never find anywhere else. We came up with the name, EXO-L, to represent EXO-Love. I believe there isn't anything else that fits more than this. The letter ‘L’ is in between the letters ‘K’ and ‘M.’ EXO-K represents EXO-Korean while EXO-M represents EXO-Mandarin. I like to think that EXO-L is in between them, showing that they both groups with never-ending love.

But.

That same love we received, we never returned it.

As EXO-M slowly dissipated, the remaining from EXO-M eventually merged with EXO-K, forming to our original name, EXO. Through the countless confusion and pain that the EXO-L had to experience, they still managed to love us endlessly. On the other hand, us, EXO, didn't see that love. We were still living in the past until we noticed a giant hole in our fandom. By then, it was too late. Whatever we said then was ignored, dismissed or forgotten. A lot of fans have begun to doubt us.

Which is why we decided to reaffirm a promise that was never said before into a song. The promises to make sure that all the EXO-L will hear loud and clear. A promise that will be made and kept forever in all of our hearts. A promise that we will be there for EXO-L... And that EXO-L will be there for us.

“Your heart that must have been in such pain. I will hold it tight.” Chen sings.

As Chen held the long note at the end, his voice seems so strained. I raise the microphone to my lip, ready to sing. By this point, I was on the verge of crying. I glance at all the . Then, I glance at our EXO-Ls. All of them have been in immense pain. All of them have suffered greatly. All of them fighting and holding strong. All of them moving forward to a brighter future.

As I open my mouth to sing, Chen’s voice suddenly cracks. The end note he was holding turns into a painful, strained yell. The sorrow in it can't be anymore clearer.

It shoots through my heart like a bullet.

The tears that I barely managed to hold came gushing out. My throats tightens even more, threatening to let out a hoarse sob. All the remaining strength that kept me from crying left me. I try to stop the endless-flow of hot tears that sting my face as they slide down my face. I open my mouth to try singing; however, I clench my teeth instead and move the microphone away from my lip. If I sing now, only a sorrowful cry will be heard.

I start to cry uncontrollably. My eyes squeeze together in pain as a sob leaks out through my clenched teeth. I raise my arm to cover my mouth as I think to myself, “I can't cry right now. I can't cry in front of everybody. I need to finish singing.” Even after I try to stop crying, the storm of emotions doesn't die down.

“Even after all this time, I couldn't say anything and just swallowed my words. Words saying, I’m sorry, I love you. Please believe in me like you do now.” The other sing with their hearts put into it.

I try to halfway through the lyrics; however, hearing the heartfelt voices from the brings a new set of fresh tears spilling down my face. Knowing that I can't stop the tears anymore, I give up trying and hang my head low, not wanting EXO-Ls to see my depressed face. More thoughts whirl in my head as the song comes to an end.

Pouring all his emotions into his last lines, Lay yells through the microphone, “I'll hug you, I'll hold your hands. If we can be together forever.”

With a soft, strong voice, D.O sings, “I'll give you my all.”

I can't thank the EXO-Ls enough. All the love I receive was unimaginable. A thousand of words isn’t enough to describe it. I never knew that pursuing this career would give me this amount of happiness and pain.

Everytime I shouted through the microphone saying my gratitude and love, it was never enough. It felt like I was stating something that should be a given. Therefore, I would always say that I and the other will work harder in the future to show a better side of us… And I meant each and every word in that sentence.

In hopes of giving back the love to EXO-Ls, we will continue to push through any difficulties that is in front us. We will always be there, standing on stage… Will always be there, by EXO-Ls’ side.

The word, ‘difficulties,’ suddenly reminds me of one thing that I can't get over. As Chen hums in the last part of the song, my heart twist and turns in pain as I think about the that left. My eyes blurry with tears as I put my arms on my hips to steady my shaky body.

“Why did you guys leave?” I ask in my mind, even though I already know the answer. “Don't you know how much pain I and the other are going through? If you knew, then why?” Countless questions fill my mind as my emotions can't stay in my heart anymore. “I hate you guys. I hate you.” I repeat in my mind.

But, somewhere deep in my heart, my true feelings come out. “I hate you for leaving us. But why?… Why, can't I just move on? Why can't I accept that you left us and forget about you? Why?” Another sob wracks my body as my emotions envelope my mind. I know the answer, but I wish I can just erase it… Erase it so that I wouldn't have to be like this… So that I wouldn't be in this much pain.

With misery, I silently reach for the that left, wishing they heard it, “I can never forget the times we spent together as EXO… As brothers. I can't forget the bitter-sweet memories we made together. I can't forget you. I will forever these… For life.” After expressing myself, I automatically close my eyes, waiting for an answer.

Silence.

I know that it was a foolish act; but deep within myself, I just wish that they would know how I feel. Knowing that they can't hear it and never will ever know, I silently weep, pouring all my emotions out.

Giving myself a few heartbeats, I manage to let go all of my feelings and regain control over my emotions. I look up and stare at the and EXO-L again. This time, I smile.

Forever, I will treasure these memories. I will never let these memories go. I will give my all to make sure that EXO will thrive in the future... To make sure that EXO-Ls will be proud and happy. I will continue to give my own love and , making sure that I will lead EXO and EXO-Ls to a bright future.

The memories I made in the past with twelve . I will them. I respect the decisions made by who left. Those memories I made with them will forever be kept hidden deep within my heart. I, as their brother, will them endlessly and silently behind the shadow, praying that their path will lead them to a promising future.

In my head, I give out my heart and soul as I sent a silent message to everyone I care for. As I prepare, Sehun prepares to whisper the lyrics that ended the song. Simultaneously, we both sent out the words, “I promise you.”

This is the one promise I'll never break.

I close my eyes and listen as the songs comes to an end.

*****

Before I go to author's note, here are some videos where I referenced some things from.

I recommend wearing a headphone or earphones for the next video.

Also, I made some pictures that reminds us of all the memories EXO has made.

(I might add more later on)

_______________________________________

... You guys OK? ... ^^;

Sorry for the sad fanfiction here... Tbh, I was feeling quite sad as I wrote this fanfiction... :sweat_smile: :sweat_smile: (I teared up while writing this too :sweat_smile: :sob: )

Also, for my title, I would like to explain that the infinity symbol can represent 'forever,' which is also can be interpreted as 'for life.'

The idea for this fanfiction actually formulated two months ago. But I stopped partially due to no time and no motivation. But recently, the MV, "For Life," triggered my emotions and made me continue writing this.

To be honest, "Promise" and "For Life" are my two favorite songs now. Somehow, I found some connections between these two. I plan on making a theory later on about it. Hope you guys will look forward to it. ^^

Before ending this long post, I want to say that nothing seems to be what meets the eyes. I wrote this fanfiction to explain that their are many, many reasons to why they cry. Their could also be countless hardships they're dealing with without us knowing. Lastly, maybe there are possibly some expressions that can't be worded out. I just want everyone to respect and keep loving EXO and the ex-EXO . As EXO-L, let's always love!~ :two_hearts:

Thanks for reading!

As always,

Hwaiting!~

#FanficFriday

*****

[Edit]

I forgot to mention a special thanks to Suholy :innocent:

She was the one that looked over the story and had convinced me to post it up! So thanks again! (*^▽^*)

I also want to thank my other friends who also ed this story! :relaxed: :two_hearts: It really means a lot to me. Thanks so much!~ (๑>◡<๑) :two_hearts:

Also, quite a few of you mentioned to me that the story should be featured. I am really grateful that you think this fanfiction is good enough to be featured! :flushed: Thank you! :relaxed: :two_hearts:

#featurethis

[Another Edit]

Quick as usual! :flushed: Thanks so much again! :relaxed: :two_hearts: