Blog 23

⇦ Entry 23

#idontknowifthewaitwasworthitlmao

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I just woke up and my head hurts like fuck. I’m laying here in agony as I try to gather any semblance of thought. I feel fairly lost and confused about where I am and what’s going on. My head is spinning and it’s really deterring me from actually trying to figure anything out. But I rub my face with a groan and sit up anyway. My head begins to pound even more, begging me to lay back down. I look around. I’m in my room. I don’t know why I’d be anywhere else. It also seems to be dark outside, did I sleep all day?

I yawn and cover my mouth with the back of my hand. The sleeve of my sweater brushes my neck. I’m still in last night's clothes. I spot an empty bottle of fireball on my nightstand and my mind finally catches up with me.

“Ugh, oh god…” I put my head in my hands. I tried to force myself onto Chanyeol. My god. I pound my fist on my forehead a little. I’m such an idiot. Fuck. I don't know if I should be happy or upset. He still denied me, but at the same time, he didn’t let me do something stupid. And god, was that stupid. Just seeing Baekhyun enter, I couldn’t shake the imagery of them d o i n g it together which then added more depressing thoughts to my already long list. I’m not much of a drinker, but damn did I need one last night. It made me feel the smallest bit better, but now I just feel even worse.

There’s a knock on my door. It quietly opens and Chanyeol pops his head in. “Oh, you’re awake. How are you feeling?” He walks over and takes a seat next to me on the bed. He’s oddly composed after what happened. I would’ve thought maybe things would be a bit awkward. But I guess it makes sense he doesn’t seem affected by it. By me.

“Chanyeol, I’m so sorry about last night,” I say fairly distressed.

He gives me a comforting smile. “It’s alright.”

“No— It’s not. I came onto you and I shouldn’t have—”

“It’s really alright,” he says hurriedly to assure me.

It’s silent for a moment. Only the light sound of our breathing and the slight creeks of the bed as we shift around. I don’t know how to persist how sorry I am with a response like that.

“Sehun I—”

“Chanyeol—”

We gaze at each other. Chanyeol’s face is a slight pink color, it makes me curious as to what he’s thinking.

“You go first,” I say with an uneasy smile.

“N-No you— Mine wasn’t exactly anything…”

“Um, I was only going to ask to watch something with you again…” I laugh tensely as I pick at my sweater.

“Really...?” Chanyeol's face seems to light up.

“Y-Yeah—” It’s really cute.

I ask because at this point, if I can’t have him, I might as well just go back to being his friend. I honestly really miss us. I don’t want to be so irritable toward him, especially after what I did. He doesn’t deserve it. I need to be happy for him. I need my friend back.

“I was going to ask you the same thing—” He swallows hard. It seems odd.

“Well, we don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to force you.”

“Nono! I want to.” He smiles.

“Okay,” I cast a downward smile.

“Grab your laptop and let's go.” He slides off the bed and heads over to his room without another look. I think he’s maybe avoiding something with how quick he seems to be moving. Maybe he actually is awkward about last night?

I reach below me and unplug my computer. I think about telling him I want food first, but I honestly I'm not very hungry right now. I feel a bit too dizzy from my headache to want to eat.

The moment I stand, I feel like I’m going to throw up. I hunch down to help with the sloshing inside and take cautious steps and slow, deep breaths so as not to disturb my stomach. Each step feels heavier and heavier. Each more difficult than the other. My technique works until it doesn’t anymore. I get halfway between our rooms and feel sicky. I decide to take a break and lay down on the carpet.

Presumably, Chanyeol’s shadow blocks the light coming into the hallway from his bedroom. “Hey— What happened?” He stifles a laugh. “Why are you on the floor?”

“I don’t want to throw up,” I groan.

“Oh…” He walks over. “Here, I’ll help you into the bathroom.” His hand extends toward me to grab.

“No, no.” I roll away from him. It makes things worse. I shouldn’t have rolled onto my stomach. If I thought about that plan longer than three seconds, I would have been able to conclude that maybe rolling would stir things up a bit.

“C’mon, you need to throw up if you want to feel better.”

“I refuse to let that happen. Acid will not be leaving my throat if I can help it,” I mumble into the wall. I feel my stomach churn. I want to die.

Chanyeol sighs. “Okay fine. I’ll do you a favor and let you suffer,” he says jokingly. I can hear the head shake in his tone though. “Let’s get up.”

“Wait— Chanyeol, I’m scared.” I haven’t thrown up in years. The mere thought of having acid shoot up through my throat again is absolutely abhorrent and fear inducing. And u g h. The t a s t e. The sour bitterness— and that acidic sting in the back of your throat. I’d rather lay here on the floor for the rest of my days than barf ever again.

I turn my head toward him in concern for my well being. The new cheek I’m resting on squishes against the carpeting, making an awful prickling sensation on my face. My left eye is about a fourth obscured by skin and fat now. He best not make me do this.

He smiles at me and tongues his now more noticeably colored cheek. He looks down at his feet with a head shake and glances back at me through the bangs of his hair. I have no idea what any of these movements mean but seems caught off guard? He lets out a small chuckle to himself and kneels next to me. “You’ll be alright,” he says in a playful tone.

I frown.

Chanyeol wraps his arm around mine and pulls me up. I’m unwilling of course, so I don’t go to stand on my feet immediately. I instead decide to rag doll in his grip. But it turns out, rag dolling in someone’s arms to your knees swishes your stomach acid a little, so I’m about to throw up right then and there.

“Okay, wait wait wait—” I put my hand up to pause him. I need to take a moment here. I take in steady deep breaths for a bit. Surprisingly, this works a little. There have been times it makes it worse, but luckily this isn’t one of them. “Okay…” I’m ready to have him help me again. I didn’t intend for this to be such an ordeal.

He hoists me up once again. I’m finally standing upright and I've never felt more sick. I hope this es soon, because I want to crawl into a cave and never return to modern society right now.

“You good to move on your own now?” Chanyeol asks as he reaches down for my laptop, a full on ass shot just right there. The temptation to grab is strong, but I resist and stick to staring. And who knows? Maybe if I moved even one muscle there, I would have blown chunks right onto him. I basically just saved his life with one decision. I basically just sacrificed my happiness for my health and his well being.

“I think so…” I reply.

With the laptop in his hands, I continue my baby steps on my way to his room. I’m extra, e x t r a, careful this time. Chanyeol’s walking behind me and I can hear his FAILED attempts at not laughing at me.

“Bro, stop that. This is a serious matter,” I say way too straight faced. The sincerity in my voice cracks me up a bit and I smile.

“Sorry! Sorry!” He chuckles. “It’s just— Can you walk any slower?” He remarks.

“Oh, you mean like this?” I raise the next foot into the air as slow as possible.

Chanyeol giggles. “Okay, okay, I understand.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Is my pain and suffering too much for you?” I laugh. “If it’s that bad, you can go around me. You don’t have to stay behind.”

“No, it’s okay. I like it back here,” he says with some sort of warmth in his voice. It heats up my face and I feel a tingle in my stomach. The tingling would feel fine if I wasn’t already feeling bad, so it just makes things that much harder for me.

The wall ends here and so does my stabilization. All that’s left beyond now are the stairs to my right and Chanyeol’s bedroom diagonally to my left. I prepare myself for this step, I try to conjure up enough energy within me to harness this moment and seize this empty space on the floor with my foot.

And I fail.

I step wrong and begin to fall. Lucky for me, Chanyeol’s here still and not off in his bedroom like I said he could be. He catches me before my impending doom and disturbs my stomach even more. He catches me by wrapping his arm around my hip. It sends electricity through my body and makes me feel a bit weak. I want him to touch me like this all the time.

“You okay?” He steps to the side and looks down at me. The transition in his position makes him gingerly slide his hand across my stomach. The feeling tickles in a good way and is oddly soothing.

“Mhm…” I hum in confirmation.

“I’ll help you…” His sentence trails off as his focus is transitioned to him putting my arm around his shoulders. He hands me my laptop and bends down a little, scooping me up into his arms with a slight groan. I feel embarrassed. Something about making him have to carry me ten feet to his room makes me feel bad, but at the same time I love it. I hide my face in the crook of his neck for the few seconds it takes for him to take into his bedroom.

He gingerly sets me down on his bed and sits with his legs crisscrossed next to me. I go to hide my tomato face in my shirt.

“What are you doing?” He laughs. He slides his finger into the neck of my shirt and pulls down so he can see some of my face.

“Nothing— I just smell really nice—” I lie. I don’t smell neither good nor bad. There’s a slight stench of sweat on me, but there’s also the faint smell of deodorant as well, so they kind of cancel each other out.

Chanyeol leans in and sniffs my neck. “Yeah, not bad.” He laughs and gently pinches the tip of my ear.

Now I just feel stupid. He knows. My stupid ears get really red so they’re totally giving me away. I always forget the ears. And he totally smelled my disgusting sweat stench. I know it said it wasn’t that bad, but maybe it’s worse for him because it’s not his smell? Ugh. I let go of my turtleneck.

“Sehun… Can I say some—”

“Let’s just watch—” I look at him. “Oops, I’m sorry. What were you saying?”

“Oh— nothing. I was going to suggest the same thing.” He looks down and picks at an open area on the bed next to his foot..

“You sure?” I feel really domestic after he carried me and touched the tip of my ear, so I cock my head and move his hair out of the way so I can see his face. It feels kind of cute to do?

“Yeah, that was all.” His eyes look up at me then removes my hand from his hair. Not in a repulsed kind of way. It was slow and our hands lingered together. I didn’t want him to let go so I hesitated pulling my hand away.

He leans himself up against the wall, stretching his legs across the bed. His ankles dangle off and I find it endearing that he can’t fit on his own bed. Granted, it’s not the direction that matters, but he almost can, so it’s funny to me. “I’m ready.”

I turn to the device on my lap and set everything up. I ask him if he re the episode we were on and click on it. Once it starts, I set it between us and sit back. His attention is pulled by the screen almost immediately, me on the other hand, can’t help but to look at him in my peripheral. He’s currently chewing his thumb nail as he watches. Something about it is really cute to watch, he isn’t aggressive about it and once he tries to bite down, he closes his eye as he strains his teeth on it. It’s somehow really distracting even though it technically isn’t that interesting, much less engaging.

I feel a wave of dizziness hit me. I felt fine just leaning against the wall, but I think all the bright flashing colors are making me nauseous. I decide it’s best I lay down. A bed is much better than a floor so I assume it’ll be more effective. But one problem, there’s not enough room for me to. Chanyeol wouldn’t mind if I used him as a pillow, would he? I turn my legs to the head of the bed and scoot down. I keep my legs folded up so I'm not putting my feet all over his pillow. I lay back onto his lap and look up at him. I hope deep within my core he doesn’t mind me doing this. I want to continue being cute with him and it’s not my fault I feel better when I'm not upright.

He lowers the hand in his mouth to his side and gazes down at me. “How’s your stomach?” He removes the other hand from under my back and rests it on my stomach. It’s a weird feeling having this pressure and warmth from his body on me. But I like it. It’s giving me tingles.

“It’s calmed down a bit,” I say softly. He looks so breathtaking from this angle for some reason. I’m just blown away. And he feels so close, I want him to lean down and kiss me. It’d be so romantic. I feel like it would be a moment that would send fireworks soaring through the air. Like, literal sparks flying.

“That’s good. Tell me if it starts acting up again so we can get you to the toilet, okay?” His tone is so soft and caring.

I nod. I turn my head toward the laptop to watch. I wasn’t paying attention at all so I have no idea what’s going on right now.

I feel Chanyeol’s hand lift off me and rest on my neck. His middle finger is just under my earlobe and his pinkie and ring finger rest on my jawline. It tickles a lot just having them there. I try not to scrunch my neck though, because in all honesty, I like the attention.

He begins to mess with my earlobe by flipping it up and down with this forefinger, assumably mindlessly as it's happening in a sort of rhythm.

I find it soothing. His middle and pointer fingers oscillate their way down behind my jaw to the crook of my neck then back up behind my ear. It makes my body tingle. I really like it. Though, it’s a bit arousing. I feel I should probably tell him to stop because of that, but I don’t want him to.

I turn onto my side in hopes I can cancel out some of the sensitivity on my neck and that the pressure from my legs being closed prevents some blood flow. I slide my lower arm under Chanyeol’s thigh like it’s a pillow and rest my other below his knee.

I think because I moved, his stroking on my neck ceases.

His hand instead worms it’s way under my arm and rests in front of me in the middle of my diaphragm. I freeze a little. I feel like if I take in too deep a breath it'll bother his hand and he'll move it. I don't know why I'm applying cat rules to his hand, but it makes me feel self conscious.

We sit like this for a few minutes. Well, I endure my self awkwardness like this. I want to break the silence and say something. I think maybe I could ask him to stroke my neck again, but that feels wrong of me to do knowing the impact of what that does. But honestly, It feels like my body is missing a sort of stimulation. Not like that— but in the sense where maybe you’re messing with something in your hands and when you stop it feels like you’re suddenly empty or missing something. Anything apart from that would work too though. But I have to it, since that one already happened, I'd like that sensation again.

As I think about this, I suddenly Baekhyun. Right. They're like a thing. Now that I think about it, is me laying on Chanyeol wrong? And wanting physical attention from him? Maybe from his end all of this is just friends being friends. But to me it’s just so— Intimate? I don’t really know what to count whatever Chanyeol and I are doing currently, but would this be cheating? Just based on how I alone feel, it’s wrong, right? Should I sit up? It’s wrong even if he doesn’t view it the same, right? It’s all about intention?

I squeeze my arms around his leg. I don’t want to let go though. Fuck me, man. Why do I always have to be torn over something?

“Hey, you okay? Your stomach acting up?” I see him lean over me in my peripheral. I feel his hand lightly press into me as if he’s trying to turn me to look at him without being too rough. I look up at him and our noses brush past each other to which he moves back a little.

“N-No. I’m okay.” I turn back to the screen. “Sorry, I was just trying to get comfortable.” I close my eyes and cringe, because squeezing someone’s thigh totally means “getting comfortable.”

“Okay,” he says and lets out extra air behind it as he leans back into his normal position. For some reason, it makes that one word feel that much warmer and like he said a million more. His hand slips out under mine and lands on my head. He pets me a few times and softly tugs on the tip of my ear again. I don’t know what’s come over him. Why is he being so touchy? I would ask, but I’m too scared he’d stop if I do.

His actions are making me really nervous and really confused. One second he’s fooling around with Baekhyun and then the next he’s messing with me. I draw circles on the side of his calf and I think it over. I don’t understand what’s going on. But I’m okay with indulging in this moment. Who knows when or if it’ll ever happen again. I surely won’t be the one to tell Baekhyun.

Chanyeol lets out a giggle. “That really tickles.” His voice is low in volume and full of joy, it’s almost as if there were anyone else in this room, he’d only want me to hear his voice. “Why are you tickling my leg?” He says basically in my ear in that same low voice. It runs chills down my spine. It’s like smooth, silky velvet. It should be outlawed, or at least outlawed from anyone but me hearing it over, and over again.

I ignore his question in hopes that he’ll say something the same way again.

“Aha—Um...” an awkward laugh leaves Chanyeol’s throat. “I think— I need you to stop, please.”

I glance up at him and back to the screen. “Oh? Why? What if I don’t?” I tease and move my finger slower and wider.

“I-It’s just because it’s, you know, it’s a sensitive spot…”

“O-Oh—” I feel my face catch fire as I move my hand off him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t— like— I don’t mean to get you—” I cut myself off. I can’t bring myself to say it.

“It’s all good,” he chuckles so friendly-like.

I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable. Do I sit up n o w? I can’t believe that happened. What do I do from here? I’m just so embarrassed. He’s so cool for being so calm about this.

After a few seconds of me bathing in the second wave of unease I feel, I sit up. Immediately I feel nauseous again from sitting up too quickly and my stomach feels like death. I take deep breaths through my nose to put the icky feeling more at bay.

“You okay? Why you sittin’ up?” Chanyeol readjusts himself on the bed. He brings his legs in under him and pivots himself slightly in my direction.

“Sorry—” I take a breath in. “I didn’t know what to do,” I laugh nervously.

“Do you feel bad again?” The way he leans toward me with worry makes my stomach flutter. Which ultimately doesn’t help me at all. “I’m gonna get you water.” He slides off the bed.

“No, I know your dirty tricks. You’re gonna give this water to make me throw up.”

“Sehun,” He whines shortly at me. “You need fluids in you. You’re dehydrated and you need to drink water to flush out the rest of the alcohol in you. It will make you feel better. If anything, I should force you to eat something."

I frown and pout.

“There’s no real guarantee you’ll throw up,” he reassures.

I roll my eyes. “Fine…” I say querulously. I pause the show and slide off the bed. I’ll head out there with him. A break couldn’t hurt.

He lands his arm around my shoulders. I look at him with confusion.

“I don’t want you falling over again,” he smiles.

We begin to walk out of the room. Every second step he takes, his hip bumps into mine. I could have told him myself that this wasn’t an effective way to walk. But I didn’t, because I‘m a slut for him touching me even in the most minimal fashion and my hubris would rather let me suffer than have it any other way, so here we are. Here I am. Dealing with my stomach acid being jostled around with each and every step because he fills me with so much euphoria every time he does anything.

We continue forward. Coincidentally, the step we take right in front of the bathroom is the one where my stomach decides it’s time. I feel the bile swell in my stomach. I pause to see if I can calm it back down, but it isn’t working. I feel shaky. I really don't want to throw up. It’s a terrible and draining feeling.

Chanyeol looks at me with concern and I feel his hand tighten on my shoulder.

“Chan—” I can’t hold it down anymore. I cover my mouth and bust through the bathroom door. I fall to my knees at the toilet and release everything in a gut wrenching cough. Chanyeol comes in after and stands behind me. He pulls my bangs out of my face even though my hair isn’t long enough to get in the way.

My body’s trembling and feels empty.

I gag a few times but nothing happens. I think I’m done after seemingly spilling my guts in that one awful session, but in yet another gag, even more bitter, sour substance courses it’s way up through my throat and out my mouth.

Chanyeol gently pets my head for comfort. His hand being there calms me down enough to where I can stop myself from freaking out and can control my breathing again. Once I feel like I’m done and safe from more vomit exploding out of my face, I wipe the remaining droop of saliva falling from my mouth and sit down at the foot of the toilet. I rest my arm on the seat before me then rest my forehead on the back of my hand. I feel like all my energy just vaporized into thin air with just two gut wrenching retches.

“How are you feeling?” Chanyeol squats down next to me, his hand falls to the middle of my back and rubs a little.

I turn my head slightly and give him a lazy smile. “Weak,” I laugh.

“But better?”

“Yeah,” I nod and turn my head back.

“That’s good. I’m gonna go get you some water now.” Chanyeol stands back up and steps over my legs as he exits the room.

He returns with a glass of water and squats back down. “Here you go.” He rests it next to me on the seat for me to grab.

I raise my head and take it from him. I chug it down until there’s about half a glass left then lower it to catch my breath. I go back to finish it off and gasp for air. I didn’t realize how thirsty I actually was until he gave me this. After it’s gone, I lay my head back down and rest the cup on the floor. The water helped with the awful taste in my mouth some, but now it just feels dry and bitter rather than dry and sour. The dry part is a detail I only just now noticed.

“Do you want me to help you up?”

I nod. I don’t have the energy to attempt to get up any time soon. My body feels like spaghetti, so I’m glad he’s here to speed up the process.

“Okay…” He says ready. He gets up and takes my hand. He attempts to pull me up, but I’m in rag doll mode again right now. “Okay—” He laughs, “You’re gonna have to help me out a little.” He lets go of my arm and comes up behind me. He wraps his arms around my waist and begins to lift me up. He has me up high enough to where I could take it from here, but I’m just so entertained by this that I just refuse to touch the floor.

“Can you stand now?” He laughs, knowing full on well what I’m doing.

I chuckle a little and lean my head back over his shoulder, forcing all my dead weight onto him.

“Sehun!” He laughs and stumbles a few steps back. He turns me to the sink and plops me down. “Here…” He says with a slight pant from exerting himself by holding all my weight.

“Hm? I didn’t get any throw up on my hands.” I look at him a bit confused through the mirror.

“Maybe, but everyone’s ass has touched the toilet seat.”

I pout. “But what if my hands get dry?” He's not wrong. I should wash my hands because of that. But, I wonder how much I can push his buttons.

“Then your hands are dry a n d clean.” Chanyeol leans past me and turns on the water.

“Y e a h, b u t, they’d be scratchy and scaly.” I turn the water off.

“B u t, they’d be clean. And you can put on lotion afterwards so your hands can be baby soft again.” He turns the water back on.

“Okay but, lotion is greasy. And my hands were never baby soft.” I turn the water back off.

“Sehun—” Chanyeol sighs. “Stop being a goober,” he chuckles. “Here, I’ll wash mine with you.” He leans forward, pressing against me so he can reach around. He rests his chin atop my shoulder as he pumps some soap into his palm. He turns the water back on with the side of his hand and slathers the soap on as he waits for it to warm up.

I just watch his hands in front of me because I feel too embarrassed to do anything else. The weight of him against me is making me way too nervous to move.

His wet, slimy, soapy hands grab my resting hands from the counter and begin to transfer their suds. He focuses on one of my hands first and treats it as his own. His hands sandwich my left one as he rubs them together. His thumbs run across the back of my hand with the utmost softness. He locks our fingers together to get the spaces in between our fingers then repeats the process for the other side.

It’s an odd feeling having someone wash your hands for you as you can imagine, but it’s also really nice. You wouldn’t think that something so simple and mundane as hand washing could be oddly romantic. But if they’re pressed up behind you and laying their chin on your shoulder and touching your hands so softly and methodically— Well, then it is. This isn’t something I would have ever come up with. The way our hands slide past each other sends electricity through my body. The prolonged from this situation is nerve wracking. My heart is pounding faster and thumping harder than usual. So much so, that I can hear it in my ears. It feels so loud that I wonder if he can hear it too since he’s so close. I wonder if he can somehow feel it as well? Like, his chin is somehow accidentally taking my pulse or something or his chest can feel it in my back, or maybe my hands are sending his some weird pounding sensation somehow. I don’t know. I just hope he doesn’t know it's happening. Aside from my face being a bright crimson right now, of course. I don’t know if he’s looked at me through the mirror, but I’m way too tense to find out. Maybe it’s better if I never do? If I take a glance at him, ripping my eyes away from whatever’s happening in the sink, and we make eye — That’s it. That’s the end. I’d explode. Implode. All the plodes that could possibly happen, would happen. My brain would fry, right then and there and I don’t know how I would recover. I don’t think I could take it.

“Your face is really red,” He says in a quiet voice. The rumble from his chest makes me jump a little since I was so focused staring down at our hands while in my own world. I feel like I've been caught doing something I shouldn’t have been. I want to hide myself, but he has my hands so I feel flustered. I finally look at him and he has this small, smug smirk on his face as if he's happy about what he's doing to me. He glances at me as if he knows my eyes are on him then looks back to run our hands under the water.

I’m not sure if I’m crazy or not, but like, is Chanyeol also blushing? Surely I must have missed something? Like maybe his cheeks were already this color and I just hadn’t noticed? Maybe he has a light coat of blush on? I have to say something to him about it. If I say nothing it’s like it's not real, I have to confirm that he can see it too.

“Wipe that smile off your face, your cheeks are pink too,” I frown.

He quickly glances up at himself then to me. “No— I itched my face while you were zoning out. They’re still raw…” He releases my hands. He flicks off the excess water from his fingers and grabs the towel on the rack behind us to dry off.

Oh? Maybe he did? I was pretty distracted to be fair, but I feel like I would have noticed something like that.

“Is that so?” I ask and copy the flicking movement he did into the sink.

Chanyeol only smiles down at the towel in his hands then gives it to me to use. I don’t get his silence, but I just decide to let him get away with it. I assume that if I ask again he’ll do the same thing.

He grabs my cup up off the floor and waits for me to finish drying my hands from the hallway.

I follow him out once I rehang the cloth onto the rack and reach my hands out for my cup.

Chanyeol hands it back to me with a small smile.

I head into the kitchen to fill it back up then walk over to the couch all the while drinking my newly filled glass.

I pull my legs under me and rest the cup on my thigh. “Oh, wow, it’s really clear tonight.” I lay my arm on the back of the couch and rest my chin in my palm.

I glance over to the hallway and watch Chanyeol meekly enter the room.

“Come here, I think I can see a few stars.” I wave to him then redirect my vision back to the night sky. The moon is absolutely beautiful, it’s full and beaming with this wonderful candencense that I am ashamed to it that I haven’t really given any thought to before. The brilliance from the white light raining down on everything below makes it almost seem like another daytime.

“Sehun,” Chanyeol pauses next to the coffee table. He seems oddly tense and serious. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like this before.

“You okay?” I let out a laugh to keep the mood light and happy, but I feel it may have come out more awkward than intended. “What’s up?” I set my water down and go over to him. My eyes are still glued to the window though. It looks like there’s a small breeze outside.

“Y-Yeah— I just ed today is the end of the month is all.” I catch him nervously wipe his hands on his pants in my peripheral.

I look up at him. “Oh— I guess you’re right.”

Chanyeol smiles and rubs the back of his neck.

“I guess you really could do it. Okay, you were right. You don’t have a problem,” I chuckle. Too bad though, I wonder what kind of thing I could have forced him to do.

He laughs awkwardly with me.

“Okay, so what do you want then?” I smirk. “Like, money? Bragging rights?" I laugh and joke. I don’t understand this atmosphere he’s putting off. It’s making me feel uneasy. "Oh, right, wasn’t it going to be a whole shelf of pickles from a store or two or someth--”

“Kiss me.”

My face flushes in an instant. My eyes widen and my mouth parts in shock. I feel light headed and a swarm of butterflies enter my gut. “Wh-What…?”

“Kiss—”

Without second thought, I grab his cheeks and spring forward. I press my lips so hard into his we stumble back a bit. He pulls me closer by the small of my back and rests his other hand on the nape of my neck.

I feel like I could never get enough of him in this moment. His lips are so squishy and soft and supple and just everything I thought they would be. I could do this forever. I’ve never felt so hungry before. Every move I make is switched to another in an instant. I feel like I have to make the most of this right here right now because this may never happen again.

I pull away for a short breath and reconnect with him in what feels like a millisecond. I have to prolong this for as long as I can. I don’t have time to breathe. And as if I could lean into him any further, I definitely try to. I feel him lean in as well. His hold on my body shifts from my back to my waist. He’s reciprocating the same force and energy I am into this. It's longing and forceful but also gentle and sweet. It's like we’re trying not to hurt one another while trying to be rough, which makes this experience amazingly cathartic.

I try my hardest not to gasp or moan. Finally being able to do this is really amping me up and I would feel weird exposing myself even more past the velocity in which I flew at his mouth. Instead, I move my hands to his sides and grasp his shirt as an alternative.

It's only a few more lingering seconds. He’s the first to pull away. I’m overcome with lightheadedness and I'm a bit saddened that it’s over already, but I agree that it's a good call. I couldn't tell how close I was to collapsing until he pulled away. Chanyeol's quick to pull me into a hug immediately though, forcing both our heaving chests together. I feel his warm breath tickling the back of my neck and his huffing close to my ear, which makes me think he can probably hear and feel mine as well. I try to force my breathing down, because in my mind, I feel that it’d bother him. But I fail and a few puffs of hair force their way out. I rest my forehead on his shoulder as a middle ground for myself so I won’t worry too much over something so stupid.

I can’t believe that just happened. We kissed… And he initiated it. Chanyeol asked m e to kiss h i m. I’m absolutely astounded. Amazed. Ecstatic. This has to be a too good to be true dream.

“Chanyeol…? Does this mean—”

“Yeah. I like you a lot, Sehun,” He says with a few slight pants.

A huge grin grows on my face. I bite my bottom lip to keep it from expanding, but it doesn’t work in the slightest. I’m just so happy. “H-How... Long...?” I try to hide my excitement.

“That doesn’t matter. I like you, Sehun. A lot.” He squeezes me tight then releases me from the hug. He moves my hair out of my face and cups it. He's blushing. And I don't have to question if I'm seeing this right. I love it. His thumbs glide over the apples of my cheeks and he looks at me with the warmest gaze. “I don’t need ambition or adventure or for any amount of “boldness.”

I stare at him with confusion. I don’t know what the heck he’s saying to me right now. I feel like I just blinked and missed thirty minutes worth of conversation and now he’s suddenly telling me what he’s into or something.

I’m about to question what he’s going on about but then it suddenly clicks and embarrassment overflows my body. I cover my face with my hands. I feel so stupid. I was hoping we would just ignore everything that happened when I was drunk.

“I just want you to be you. Regardless of whatever Baekhyun can or can’t do. I don’t want you worrying about that kind of thing. I didn’t know you worry about your abilities—"

“Chanyeol!—” I smother his face with both of my hands and divert my gaze to our feet below. I can’t hear him go on about this anymore. I’m cringing so hard with mortification that I might just have to either run away and hide or collapse onto the ground and rot.

He grabs my hands off his face and looks at me with utmost sincerity. “All I’m just trying to say is... That none of that matters because I prefer to make love instead.”

My face goes beet red. "Wh--"

"And no one can be cuter than you.” He leans in and kisses my cheek and rubs his thumbs along the back of my hand.

“L-Look, I was drunk— Okay? I didn’t mean to say any of that...”

“I’m sure you didn’t mean to say any of it. But I’m sure that when it comes to those thoughts, you had all of them at some point.

“Well, when it comes to Baekhyun, I’m insecure about almost everything…”

“And I’m here to tell you that you have no reason to be.”

I can’t help but to hug him again. I'm so overwhelmed with emotion, I don’t know how to handle this. He’s being so sweet it’s odd. Finally getting this kind of attention from him feels wrong. He’s never been like this toward me before so it’s going to take some getting used to.

He hugs back briefly and pulls away to look at me, his hands grab mine. “Should we head to bed?”

I feel some sort of light panic. Bed? Right after all of this happens? Just end this moment?

“Wait— Like right now…?”

“Yeah, it’s a bit late...” He continues to rub my hand.

“But…”

“It’ll be fine,” He chuckles. He gently pulls me toward the hallway. When we come across my room, I go to enter it but he laughs and tugs me toward his instead.

He closes the lid of the laptop and places it on the floor then crawls to the head of the bed to lay down. His back is against the wall, leaving more than enough room for me.

Even though we’ve laid down together before and have fallen asleep on several occasions, I feel too shy to go along with this. Neither one of us have ever been so direct about it before so I just don’t know what to do. I stand nervously at the side of the bed as he stares up at me. With a smile, he extends his hand and leans forward to pull me onto the bed with him.

I lay down on the very edge. You know, about as far as I can be from him.

“Why are you being so shy?” he chuckles. He scooches my body away from the end then moves himself the rest of the way. He props himself up to pull the covers over us. The collar of his shirt sags a little, revealing the smallest bit of his shoulder. I feel the need to poke the exposed area and I almost keep myself from doing so since that’s how it usually is. But with this new development, I decide to try it out. I reach out and lay all four of my fingers onto his skin simply because I can. He lets out a light chuckle and lays back down next to me. Our faces are about half an arms length away from each other. We stare at one another. I don’t understand how he can be so handsome while doing absolutely nothing. And I don’t know how long I can take this. I think I’m melting under his gaze.

Chanyeol places his hand on my cheek and leans in to give me a kiss. The plushness of his lips gingerly press against mine. I immediately break it with a huge grin followed by a small giggle. I couldn’t hold them back, everything just makes me so happy.

“What are you laughing at?” He laughs back.

I worm my way under the covers until my head is at chest level. “I don’t know,” I chuckle.

“You’re so cute.” He pets my head.

I entwine our legs and rest my hand on his side. And that’s the last thing I before drifting off to sleep.

The morning after was a bit different. But in a good way, of course. And by different, I just mean we were a couple now. We woke up together and went out into the kitchen for breakfast. Chanyeol was being all lovey and flirty with me, giving me pecks on the mouth. We were just minding our business and cooking together. His arms found their home wrapped around me and of course a pickle found its own home in his hand. He said that now that he’s proved his point, he can eat as many as he wants again. I told him with moderation this time because it’s my job to keep him healthy now and if he doesn’t listen, there’ll be a problem. He only laughed at me and gave me a peck on the cheek. But little did he know, I was being serious.

“Congratulations, you two,” Baekhyun said to us with a small smile. "I told you, Sehun. Looking at someone else."

Chanyeol raised an eyebrow at me which led to us talking about everything this past month. How we all felt and what we thought. How certain events happened and how they led to other things. It really helped and cleared up a lot between ourselves. I think it brought me and Baekhyun closer as friends and made us respect one another more. I told him I’m not upset with him anymore for everything that happened between him and Chanyeol. To which he nonchalantly told me he might flirt with Chanyeol still, completely ruining the understanding I thought we had. But as someone who knows how hard it is to hide your feelings from someone, I couldn’t get too mad at him for saying that because I understand. But I told him off anyway because I want to feel secure in knowing these two can be around each other without worry of something happening. Of course I trust Chanyeol but after him saying that, I worry about what Baekhyun will try to do. I’m sure he was joking, but I can’t be too sure.

The rest of the day was the two of us chilling and watching shows and movies together. It was our usual, but with a sprinkle of unusual in there as well if you catch my drift. I'm just kidding. It was only kissing here and there, which I guess you could argue is unusual, but becoming the usual.

This is my last update before I officially sign off. Writing these was a way to get out my pent up feelings and now that things are looking up, I feel I no longer need to make these anymore as I now have my own system. But I’m making this as a nice conclusion to the roller coaster we’ve all been on together.

It’s currently four AM as I write this and Chanyeol is sleeping next to me. It’s been a few weeks since we’ve been together and things couldn’t be better. I’ve been working on this on and off as things happen then writing it down at the end of the day like right now since I have a new boyfriend to focus all my time on instead.

Him and I are by each other almost every second of the day. We switch who’s room we sleep in periodically, but I think I see my bed becoming the new favorite. Since it’s narrower, it gives him “excuses.” But honestly, me too though. We’re slowly warming up to our first time with each other too. I know it sounds soon, but we’ve known each other for so many years that we both seem to feel there’s no real use in waiting anymore but we’re still thinking about it. But we kind of like the waiting game. It makes things interesting and builds tension.

Oh, and Baekhyun crashes our hang outs sometimes, but I’m okay with that since I did kind of steal Chanyeol away from him. I’m just relieved he hasn't walked in on us making out or anything. But besides those times, and I’m sure more to come, he’s basically always welcome to us. I’m sure they felt the same when I was in his position, but I’m making sure to openly let him know because it sucks to be where I was.

And a side note about Baekhyun. Even though we’re both open about our relationship we still try to be inconspicuous about everything. So while we could lock the door, we don’t want to be suspicious. Ridiculous? Yes. And I should also add that Chanyeol has said it really doesn’t matter and no one cares because they already assume what we're up to, but I do. I don't want people to know what we're doing and it's so obvious if the door is locked. So he’s doing it for me. He thinks it’s cute that I’m trying to play coy with the universe.

Anyway. I’m excited to see how things go between us and what new experiences this brings in the future. We’re taking it day by day and we’re not rushing anything. Maybe, just m a y b e, I’ll let him lock the door sometime soon. It’ll totally be a time where Baekhyun wants to hang out though and I’ll have to deal with his teasing afterward. Because I have bad luck like that. But I think I can handle that for a while.

I’m incredibly happy. We’re both incredibly happy.

This is everything I’ve ever wanted.

Goodbye.