Truths and Lies

                 Wonder • Shawn Mendes

TW: swearing • suicidal thoughts • extremely dark

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What a writer I am. I had to take the one song I absolutely love and turn it into a depression class :) honestly, don't read this. It is extremely dark.

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I wonder if I'm being real

Do I speak my truth or do I filter how I feel?

I wonder, wouldn't it be nice

To live inside a world that isn't black and white?

I wonder what it's like to be my friends

Hope that they don't think I forget about them

I wonder, I wonder

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It feels as if life is never supposed to be what it is. I feel like I am inside this box of memories that are unbreakable, memories that are hell bent to suffocate me to death. I wonder, if I am ever being real? If my poems are just faux words and lies trying to make a truth that was merely a mirage of my sorrows embellished with happiness, and was actually never in existence.

I always believed life isn't white and black, life just isn't that simple like a cookie that crumbles. It is twisted like all the metaphors I use to hide behind, it is deafening because no one can ever see through the pain bleeding behind the words that have a greyish veil ricochet off them.

The words that are like golden birds of stifled gasps and fused fairy lights, sitting inside a cage and just staring into an oblivion of hope that has been broken and stomped upon by my own dreary and lifeless legs. I wonder, if I say something enough will it become real one day? Will I start believing it and make it my truth?

I am fine

                                Am I?

I am alright

                                No I am not

It was nothing

                               It was every fucking thing

I was just joking

                                Jokes do not exist

I am alright

                               No, I m not

I am fine

                             Did you really believe that?

I definitely am. I will tell it to myself enough so that I start believing it one day. Truth is just a lie in disguise. I will mask all the misery I feel for my friends, because they have me, one incompetent jerk who has no feelings as their confident.

I will tell it to myself to be the self confident prick and push them all away from my darkness. I don't want their songs to ever merge with my melodies. I can cry myself to sleep because my pillow never refuses me, it just soaks all of me in and sometimes I feel it caressing my back.

I can wake up with a headache because I am deserving of pain, pain that I cause people without even knowing, pain that is my best friend at nights when I hate myself. I wonder if people will ever discover my truth was always a lie?

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Right before I close my eyes

The only thing that's on my mind

Been dreamin' that you feel it too

I wonder what it's like to be loved by you, yeah

I wonder what it's like

I wonder what it's like to be loved by you

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I never believed in the farce adults told me in the form of fairy tales. There exists no fairytale ending. Humans are too much of a monster for that. But, I still childishly dream of finding someone one day who might see me. Really see me. I am not sure if even, I see myself.

I see a stranger everyday in the mirror, sometimes they are drinking a coffee, sometimes they are shouting on their phone, sometimes they are crying, but, the most strong image that will forever remain imprinted in my mind is of the child, the child with puffy eyes filled with beautiful tears and a nose so red that it would have been comical in some other situation.

That child looked the most helpless and out of hope. Even on the days my optimism meter is negative, I just want to go and give that child a hug. I want to tell that child a lie. A lie I tell myself everyday.

Everything will be fine

Everything will be over

                                It will make you stronger

                                It will make your future

I want to tell all these lies to that child. Even though I am not really sure there will be a future, but that child, she deserves that freaking hug.

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I wonder why I'm so afraid

Of saying something wrong and never said I was a saint

I wonder, when I cry into my hands

I'm conditioned to feel like it makes me less of a man

And I wonder if someday you'll be by my side

And tell me that the world will end up alright

I wonder, I wonder

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I am no saint. I have done things that I regret and I have hurt people because my lips refuse to speak like a crime scene packed up with neon tape. I wonder if I'll ever see myself and give a smile. I wonder if my person will ever show up or it will end up being too late in this life too.

I wonder, would the sky like me as a fellow star? Would the sea welcome me with open arms and embrace my bruised body because, I just… I can't breathe because my lies are getting heavier by the day. I wonder, who would finish the race first? My lies or my truth.

❝ do you ever feel so much despair that you just want to crawl into a hole and disappear into thin air?

❝ take that desperation and fucking it. it for the rest of your life. Only that way will you end up winning the race.