Hello everyone! This is my (late) entry for the Fantasy Club Para Phrased. He helped me choose what I should write about, so huge props to him. (☞ ͡ ͡° ͜ ʖ ͡ ͡°)☞
I cross my fingers I don't disapoint
Without further ado, I hope you enjoy my twisted tale.
Warning: gore, violence
![Red - Fantasy Club Challenge [short story]-Hello everyone! This is my (late) entry for the Fantasy Club <a href='/c/books/tag/twistedtales/'>#twistedtales</a> challen](https://image.staticox.com/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fpm1.aminoapps.vertvonline.info%2F7595%2Fdcb414d4b01559129a49049ef47872167d8da0e2r1-736-992v2_hq.jpg)
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She stepped onto a lone dirt path, humming a sweet yet melodic tune. Maybe one she learned from listening to the birds that sing their daylong songs. Maybe one her childlike mind created on the spot, the notes simply made up. Either way she skipped along contently with a basket full of steaming baked goods. Gently wrapped with a patterned cloth towel to maintain their delectable state. Her tiny feet stomping little pebbles, whilst kicking up faint clouds of dust. The familier trail a straight shot to grandma's house.
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The wind was unusually calm that day, only slightly stirring the leaves up high between creaking branches and the blue sky. Though she paid no attention to the strange ambience. One thing on her mind, and one thing only. Her innocence worried about the bread turning cold. Oh, how grandma would be so disapointed with Red and her delivery skills. So she continued trotting along, mixing whistles and smooth 'hums' together to create a quaint lullaby.
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As she drew nearer, smoke wafting from the chimney could be seen with greater detail. Lingering near the horizon, accompanied by the light thudding heard from the edge of the trees. A slow and mesmerizing,
thump, thump, thump.
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So she bolted towards her grandma's lowly cottage, past the flowers littered throughout her garden. Though, as she walked up to the door Red noticed something downright odd. The entrance was left open just enough, so a sliver of light could be seen barely peeking out of the crack. Wrapping her fingers on the side of the door, she slightly pushed open the frame. Peeking around the side.
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"Grandma, are you in here?" she called out. Hurriedly glancing across the small space of the cluttered room.
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But as she finally widened the door completely, horror laid before her, sprawled out upon the floor. Crimson blood smeared in every crevice where the warm liquid should never be. And the poor girl let out a shriek of terror, rattling her heart, and staining her eyes forever. It sounded similar to the blood dripping out of her grandma, the cloak she wore everyday, and her very own name. Red. A deep, dark tone of red.
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"Well hello there little girl. A terrible shame your precious grandma was so incredibly delicious. And if you're just going to stand there, won't you at least be my dessert?" whispered the wolf. Lips drenched in a sickening shade of evil.
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Next thing she knew she was sitting inside a hut, warming up next to a fire. By some miracle, the woodcutter chopping trees that morning had heard her pleas. Red couldn't mutter any words since the traumatic tragedy, but to herself she solemnly swore to take revenge on behalf of her grandma. Vengeance coursing through her essence. The wolf had run off into the forest before anything could be done about the situation. Leaving Red with a memory that would never leave her mind.
-4 years later-
She stepped onto a lone dirt path, humming the sweetest yet most awful melodic tune. For Little Red Riding Hood had already been here. Once with a pitiful basket of bread, now with a sharpened axe. The trail overgrown with shrubs and beaten by the harsh wind. She trudged through the woods determined to find her grandma's murderer. Nothing could be heard between the cold ground and the treetops, except her loud stomps echoing back into the distance.
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"Look who we have here. I do believe you once rudely decided to not partake in my meal," growled a voice from behind her.
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She only turned to look at the wolf who bared it's teeth threateningly at her. And with one straight-faced swing, Little Red Riding Hood wasn't that little anymore..
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Thank you for reading!
Have a wonderful day/night!
Stay safe ~
Does anybody else get really anxious before typing this, no just me? ( ；∀；)
Comments (14)
This is just yes. Yes, yes, freaking YES! I loved the twist that you gave to this, Pink! Your imagery and descriptions were outstanding!! Such great work! I love your short stories. :purple_heart: :purple_heart:
Reply to: pink.dreaming
Of course! I'll always be a loyal reader of yours, even if I'm days late. :joy: :purple_heart:
Does anybody else get really anxious before typing this, no just me? ( ；∀；)
#review
A crackle erupts in your mind as this thought echoes from its faint memory. The crackle grows into a growl which deafens and somehow blinds you. No, that’s not right. You realize all to late that your memory has summoned a deadly portal to the realm of and now nothing you can do can stop it. A robed wizard breaches the rift before you, and laughs maniacally. Even before he speaks you know what’s coming. It’s time for your review!
There is some good and bad about this. I’ll address what is good first to hopefully blunt the impact of the negative.
The Good
The tone of this story fits the fairy tale theme rather well. I’ve been listening to Jospeh Campbell’s The Hero With A Thousand Faces which includes a lot of myths or my fragments within it. The way this was written, tonally, could have fit in with any of those pieces. In fact this blended in so well that this took on that narrator’s voice in my head.
The descriptions are nice. This feels like something written for young children and I think for that audience the vocabulary and style of description fits nicely. It’s vivid and easy to wrap your head around.
Similarly the dialogue fit well for younger audiences. The characters were straight to the point and darker material was painted using that are less traumatizing to children while still getting their point across.
The ending was an exceptional twist to this story. I love the grow up, get strong, and you too can change the world feel it had. It blew me away with how appropriate it was for a children’s story.
The Cons
It sounded similar to the blood dripping out of her grandma, the cloak she wore everyday, and her very own name.
The above line made very little sense to me. I’m not certain what you were going for but you lost whatever it was and seemed to turn left at Bermuda to head to Space Australia but instead took a portal to Atlantis for a rocket to Titan.
The other major issue with this story is that it’s all summary and no story. We actually miss out on all of the story elements. There isn’t a conflict, unless you count the outro. The main character is notable but there’s very little motivation. There’s almost zero build up or suspense. All of the details that moved the story along were left for us to pick out from the memory of the original tale. If I hadn’t been infinitely familiar with this tale I would have been angry and confused by this story.
you need to establish a situation, protagonist, objective, opponent, and a climax to have a story. Without that all we have are sliding pictures at best. If you’d like information on this post by me. http://aminoapps.vertvonline.info/p/3h7it9
Woah, that ending :heart_eyes: :sob:
This was such a twist Pink! Poor grandma :(
Reply to: pink.dreaming
Yea it gave me the shivers :sob: 🤧 You did a wonderful job
I get really anxious while typing that tag too. So I understand. XD
Also. I love what you did with the story. Because I adore your writing and I'm flattered by the fact that you gave me a shout out. I won't be the reviewer to this. I'd just like the story to be a little bit longer. Maybe that 4 year time skip could have been filled with small excerpts of how her thirst for revenge drove her crazy? And how it affected her day to day and family life? That's my only teeny tiny complaint.
Reply to: pink.dreaming
Totally felt the deadline thing :")