panic settles in me whenever i see your name

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tw: abusive relationship

we broke up a year ago but every time

i see your name on a dating site

my hands shake and head spins again

it feels like a never-break-out cycle

i could write thousands of poems

telling everyone how many memories we made

and i still would be left

with this putrid feeling in my chest

—living without you hurts me deeply

it feels like i have lost my place and time

and all that i have left to do is to wander

but deeply in my unconscious i know it's better

without you here i can finally breathe

my lungs grasp the air, they were forbidden

to take while you had me in a chokehold

and i can finally sincerely smile not being afraid

i thought i was happy when i was with you

until i wasn't, you made me feel like i will vomit

every time you would say misogynistic things

and i would cry in my pillow because

you said emotions made me weaker than i was

can i really blame you for things you said?

probably not

you were raised in a problematic house and

it's just trauma from your childhood showing up

it still hurts because i did everything to change

"i don't like your dress"

"wear more makeup, it suits your face"

"don't go at night, i don't want you to wander"

you tried to make a doll out of me and

i don't think i can forgive something like that

even if you didn't understand what

—you did wrong, that made me break up

you made me happy for a while and

i can't blame you for anything i guess

but panic settles in me whenever i see your name