keep the mask on, the rest you can take off

TW: slight mentions of vulgarity?

inspired by a line from Caleb by Kevin Atwater

Spent enough of my life lying, saying everything was okay

Even when I wanted it all to go away

A while ago I would have pushed it down

I would have ignored all feeling and smiled despite wanting to frown

Maybe it wasn’t too long ago, when getting away felt the same as getting free

Maybe it wasn’t too long ago that I felt the need to not be

There are things I’ll never it, like how I ran from feeling

Spent years lying about how I felt, kept a mask on when everything else came off

Who could blame me? For protecting my soul

For doing the only thing I could to make sure I didn’t break

I was weak, hiding myself for someone I thought they wanted me to be

I covered my soul and heart while leaving my body open

Thinking that they weren’t the same thing.

As if I could give parts of me, like I was picking and choosing what clothes to wear

Not like I was foolishly asking for my heart to take more than it could bear

I’ve never known how to express myself

Writing words on a page, typing them out just to be deleted

Because if it’s on a page then no one has to see it.

Maybe if no one sees it, then it’s not real

Maybe if no one sees me cry, I wont have to it I feel

So I wait for them to leave, after everything else is off,

Then I finally let myself take the mask off

Breaking down, like the moment a worn out rubber band finally snaps

When the world feels it and tears open leaving a sinkhole

And all the sudden you fall through, dropping to hell

I drop the mask for my mom, my dog, and my ceiling

Staring up at night, tears blooming in my eyes

I lay awake knowing the mask will be on by morning

And by that time everything will be back on

That the curtains will open to morning sun

Just so I can go out and a night lying in every way

Days spent trying to when I could show my heart

When I could say what I felt without any strings attached

Back in the days when the summer air warmed my heart

When I didn’t need fake emotion to stir any feeling

Back in the days when the mask was made of paper

Rather than stone I carved bit by bit from each heartache which pricked my heart

I’ve built up an empire of pain

And I’ll be damned if any physical makes it fall away

So take it all off, let me pretend there’s something real

When I know the only real thing left is the words I’ll never say

It’s the emotions I write then erase away

It’s the mask which holds up throughout it all

But mostly it’s the way I lay staring at the ceiling

Calling myself a liar knowing I’ll never be freed of these self smelted iron chains of agony

So it’ll all come off, to make some allegory for what could be

If I just let myself be a little more free…