it is only through truly knowing each other that we .

———

“we too, like trees can shake off

our leaves and begin again.”

-a.y. greyson

———

you were there when august slipped by and september stepped center stage, you were always there. we changed with the leaves, but stayed all the same-our favorite time was always the brink between seasons, the cusp on which colors vibrate and lives balance, because so much could happen in those few days. the world changes direction and for a moment time stops, before hurtling back into motion-sometimes i think that mirrors us.

it’s time for another change. it’s time to begin again.

———

i always took you for granted, called you friend and brother, never lover, you were there for every birthday party and every early spill across the pavement, tears and bright bandaids, blood stains and training wheels. the years faded by and i fell for the girl with the clementine smile, but that was just one slice of the whole fruit and long story short she started to rot. i cried into your sweatshirts and never thought the sadness in your smiles could have meant anything more…

until mister summer eyes showed his beach boy face, caught my eye with his ease and prom came and went with the salt in our eyes, the waves in mine and the tears in yours. i chipped pink nails paired with your long fingers and the shy girl on your arm who swore she really loved you but left to dance with the football star instead, and i realized my smile was just as sad as yours had been, my heart left tugging at its strings.

we met on the bleachers, your rented suit and my borrowed jacket that smelled like seaside memories, both fruit punch drunk and heartbroken in youth. we fell into confusion and faded into awkward silence. i think we both realized this was the cusp between seasons, our fall had just turned winter and we were the only ones there to comfort each other in the cold months to come.

it’s strange, the way some people fade into a single memory, some thing you associate with them, and between the two of us, we had so many memory-faded people in our pasts. so many life stories packed into tangerine smile and blueberry boy, chipped pink nails and the smell of salt, cotton candy, rootbeer on sunday, rosebud boy, the list goes on. it’s stranger still that we couldn’t seem to condense each other into nicknames, into seasons or flowers or fruits, these tangible descriptions of ourselves. no, you were too big for a summary, i would need a novel to explain how you’ve grown. you have always been more than the cusp of spring and summer or the day you were born, your heartbeat in my ears or the botched school dates we laughed about after we were done mourning.

i’ve always wondered why i couldn’t condense you into that, but i’m starting to grasp it now, trying to put it into words, on the last warm day of september, sitting at the old swing set with you, feet brushing the bark:

|| as we go through life, we meet so many people, and most of them, we forget again, at least partially. that is why it is easy to turn them into a memory, something we can touch or feel, without having to think about the details, so we don’t feel like we’re really forgetting them. but we’ve known each other since the beginning, we have seen each other through every change and don’t have any specific memory we can latch onto, because we are always cracking jokes about the things we’ve lived through and reminding each other of details that end up sticking somehow. we are always making sure that we more than just the rough outline. it is only through truly knowing each other that we . we’re still the same to each other, no matter how many times we start over. ||

even now, we can feel ourselves changing again with the world, cold gusts cutting through the stifling heat, reminding us of the turbulence to come. but it’s really nothing we’re not used to, something we live through four times a year. it’s time to start over again and see where fall takes us this time, whether it takes you from boy to boyfriend and lover boy or things stay just the same as they’ve always been.

“are you ready?”

|| as long as you’re here. ||

“i’m always here.”

|| i know. ||

———

you are still like my heartbeat, the only constant in a world so full of changes, of new beginnings. every song i write has a strong backbeat, a steady one-and-two-and behind my guitar. no matter how many bridges i cross or verses i sing, you are that backbeat, the accompaniment without which my refrain would be feeble, my life without music altogether.

you take my hand, as always, and we smile, as always, and i know we will never forget each other. we will always have each others to start over with.

it’s time for another change. it’s time to begin again.

images found on pinterest