i hate him (but really i don't).

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CW: cursing

i say i hate him

like i could cast these words as a spell

to burn away the way he looks at me

to forget all the sleepless nights

i spend spiralling in thoughts about him

i hate him (but i really don't)

i just say i hate him, that is easier i guess

i hate him, for the way his words linger

long after the conversations end.

he cancels plans

then shows up anyway

with that crooked smile and some excuse

and i roll my eyes so hard they almost hide

the way my heart kicks like i'm twelve again

he says i'm complicated

like it's a compliment

like it’s something he wants to solve

not something that might wreck him

i block his number on a sunday

unblock it by wednesday night

just in case he texts

he never does

but it has became a ritual by now

he says "you’re impossible"

i say "you’re an idiot"

and neither of us means it

but both of us do

i'm confused and it hurts

because what am i supposed to do next?

i'm deathly afraid of messing things up

but what can i really mess up,

when there's nothing between us

he never forgets my favorite color

and memorizes the way i breathe

i tell myself he doesn’t care

while rereading everything he’s ever said

(oh all the lies i've told)

(to make him think i care less than i do)

he laughs at things i pretend not to mean

and i pretend i didn’t notice he’s still looking

like he’s trying to read a map on my face

and maybe he is

maybe he’s lost too

he holds eye like a dare

and i always lose

because i’m not brave like him

i just act like i am

and that’s different

i tell my friends he’s annoying

(i don’t tell them he makes me feel)

(like the sun’s coming up)

i tell myself he’s not worth it

(i don’t tell myself he’s the only thing i think about)

(hen everything else is quiet)

sometimes i dream he says it first

and i don’t say anything back

because even in my dreams

i’m still scared of being too much

he resides in my dreams

more often than all the others

and i feel halved every morning

because of the way these dreams

make me feel happier again.

he flirts like he’s joking

and i laugh like i don’t want it

we're both so good at pretending

we could win medals in it

maybe that’s the fucking problem

i write poems i’ll never show him

about all the ways he breaks my heart

without even trying

and maybe he knows

and maybe that’s the worst part

i say i hate him

but only when he can’t hear it

only when i’m trying to believe it myself

because love isn’t supposed to feel like drowning

and he always makes me forget how to swim

i delete his pictures

then scroll through old chats like an addict

looking for some kind of proof

that i didn’t imagine it all

that he meant something, once

or at least that i meant something to him

i wear the sweater he complimented

even when it's too warm

and i stand in mirrors

trying to see what he sees

trying to hate the parts he loves

and failing to do even so much

some days i convince myself

i’m over it, i wake up, make coffee,

go about life like this doesn't break me

but then a song plays

or friends ask me about him

and it all returns to the old rails

like trains that come and go

and i am meant to watch every single one

never really able to leave this place

i swear i hate him like it’s a prayer

like it’s a promise of a better future, all alone

but god really i don’t

because i could never possibly do that

i couldn't hate him. even if i wanted to.

#clementinespoetry | cover by me | embed