fracti fidis

“music was my refuge. i could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.”

———

you have always been my favorite song, you see, the second i pressed play, i knew, this was going to be a good one

and i also knew, you were going to be the death of me

it’s funny, because every time i shuffled my playlist, looked through a crowd, you were the one who always stood out, played first, tore my soul in two

for you had a fire on your tongue and a mouth made of soft earth that i so liked to drown in

every time i put my headphones on, i swear flowers started growing out of my ears and i could hear your heart beating to the bass

you were a simple, 4-chord melody, yet you plugged me in by the heartstrings and took me along for the ride

you were piano keys and broken chords and a melody so sweet, i could taste it

i don’t really know what you saw in me, with my rusty guitar strings and blistered fingers, a voice made of out-of-tune trumpets and fire smoke

your song was the moment tucked between sun and rain, it left me curled up in your clouds, dreams hazy with your breaths

our crescendo was a firestorm, your fingers hooked into my belt loops, dragging me over each measure; i tripped on every pause and screamed on the staccatos—

your last notes were keening, crystal clear, a whisper in my teeth, down my spine, almost like a shiver

i didn’t see it coming when my phone cracked against the hard concrete of this world, shattered this screen, this heart, and dragged me down from my volatile high

i tried to pick up the pieces, fit us back together in a panic, see your eyes in the flash of powdered glass, but you’d already blown out, out across the train tracks

when you are not used to holding the weight of the sky, and it all comes crashing down on are prone to appreciating atlas for all he’s done

because how heavy the world is pressing down on your shoulder blades, ribs creaking and limbs quaking,

and you do not know if it would be better to stay in this pain or bend and break, give in to the pull of gravity and let it all crush you

because losing the love of your life, the wistful daydream of classical music at the bustling station the only alley there is to return to, with a broken phone and no more music only meaningless noise, noise, noise, deafening, burning, murderous,

it is then that you wish you would have started listening so much earlier, put your ear to the ground and taken in the sweet sound of violins and the smell of warm earth and the feeling of a hand cupping the bare back of your neck

you will wish a million times over you had listened to that song

just one more time

before it was too late

broken chords

quote by maya angelou

cover image found on pinterest

-03/22/21