5am thoughts

The time of night when I am wide awake.

The time when my mind decides to play doctor again and goes deep, deep inside my soul and brings out all the questions that I keep avoiding to find an answer to everyday.

I wonder, what am I even doing with my life. There are so many things that are supposed to be done, so much study that I need to do, so many projects that are sitting, waiting for me to plan them out. And here I am, trying to sleep.

Sometimes, I feel guilty for even taking a stop, pausing a moment to take a breath. Because why do I deserve it? There are so many people who are working their asses off to a family they always wanted or to just a dream that was never achieved. Here I am, crying about my menial problems and doing nothing and wasting my time.

Sometimes I wonder why am I even living? Life is not something I asked for. I never asked for all the burdens that rest on my shoulders like dumbells. I never asked to be assigned so much work. In the first place I never asked to be born. I was born because I was given birth to. Why do I have to lead a life I never wanted to in the first place?

I always think, keep thinking till the sleep finally lulls my thoughts. Giving way to all the weird dreams I have, but okay that's a story for another day. Today's story is about how I never wanted to do what I am doing, but I have come to accept, to live in the present rather than obsessing about my future.

The sleep monster has been my friend since sixth grade. The grade, in which I changed schools. The grade, I decided I had to be the perfect achiever and impress people around me by my academics. Maybe they would want to be my friends that way. Maybe in that way, I would finally have some memories to fight off my sleep monster with.

But oh boy, was I wrong. The friends never came, the memories were never made. I buried myself in books and the sleep monster had even more control on me. It would sit with me at nights, when I was trying to finish an assignment, looking at me with pity, for I realized even the monster wanted me to find some peace. I would doze off here and there sometimes ten other times twenty minutes. The monster would go on a coffee break, for, it knew even if I was making myself into a machine, every machine worked on a little fuel of hope and faith.

And now, in the present when I lay in my bed, the feeling of sheets so calming against my skin, fully consumed by the monster that lays next to me till 7am in the morning, I wonder, if it was because my armour was too hard to crack that it has no scratches even now, or was it never tried to be broken only?

I wonder if it was because I am too introverted, that even the one friend I had somehow just distanced herself. It must be because I am too stiff. I don't talk to people and something about me must scare them away.

I always heard anyways, 'see you are scary, they don't even dare to speak in front of you' and oh, the glances, the awkward glances I always used to get, when I stumbled on a conversation that was supposedly about me and supposed to be not heard by me.

And that's how my armour came into existence. It hardened and hardened until I became isolated in my already empty castle. But I was no princess. I was a soldier waiting at her outpost, for a ray of sun to finally penetrate her armour.

At nights, when I am having conversations with my monster, the sweet monster that has kept me company all these years, I try to look into its eyes, to see when it is planning to leave me too, so that my armour finally hardens completely.

But, it just lays there like a fool and stares at me making small talks, and I see, it is waiting for me to find the lost piece that would finally complete me.

I might just love this monster. It tells me I am not weird. It tells me how lovely I am. It talks to me about all the good and kind things I did when I am drowning in my abyss of uncertainty, insecurity and endless why's. And that's why I smile again tonight, because that must be the reason I like having 5am thoughts.

P.S: yes it was written exactly at 5am.

Day 15 –outpost

#prosaicwhisperer