TW: talks of death and suicide
“Whose Marcel?”
Porco’s sadness was suddenly replaced by anger. He was quick to get into Colt’s face.
“What do you mean by whose Marcel? That’s my brother you jackass! You know the whole reason your brother is still alive!”
Porco regretted it as soon as he said it. He turned to face Falco.
“Falco…I didn’t…that’s not what-“
“See I knew it” Colt spat at him. “How egotistical do you have to be to come all the way to Texas to make a kid feel guilty over something that isn’t his fault!”
“Colt that’s not-“ Falco tried to intervene.
“You didn’t even care to learn my brother’s name!”
“Does it even matter!?”
Porco felt like he was back fighting in the hallway with Reiner. Reiner yelling at him.
Porco let out a dry laugh not letting his mind catch up to his emotions. “You know it’s so funny that you accuse me of trying to guilt Falco when you are the one who has been so jealous of him! Yet you act like you are this perfect person!”
That was when Colt’s fist made with Porco’s face.
“What would you know, your brother is dead!” Colt cried out as the two went to the ground.
“Guys stop!” Falco shouted weakly. “Stop fighting.”
The two continued to tussle on the ground, ignoring Falco’s pleas.
Suddenly Falco went down on one knee, his hand reaching his chest.
Porco caught this out of the corner of his eye and shoved Colt off him. Colt was about to lunge at him until he saw his brother.
“Falco!” He rushed over to him with Porco right behind.
“Falco are you ok?” Porco asked.
He fell back onto the ground.
**************************************************
Those sitting around the breakfast table sat in a stunned silence after Colt had stormed out of the house.
Mrs. Grice rubbed her temple. “I’m so sorry…”
“It’s ok Mrs. Grice. It was my fault for not being more honest about why Porco wanted to come here.” Reiner said quietly.
“I’m not upset that Porco wanted to listen to his brother’s heart again.” Mrs. Grice let out a sigh. “I just wasn’t expecting Colt to lash out like that. We had been doing so well…”
Mr. Grice noticed the confused look on the others' faces.
“Something that unintentionally happens when you have a chronically ill child is that…sometimes the other child gets neglected.” He said sadly.
“I take it you guys have missed a lot of things in Colt’s life.” Reiner said quietly.
Mrs. Grice nodded her head sadly. “It was a lot easier when my mom was alive and my dad was still living here. We could have someone to watch Falco when Colt had a game or a concert…but when things got harder with Falco…I feel like I haven’t been a very good mom to him.”
Kelly started to cry. “I didn’t mean to miss so much of Colt’s life.”
“That’s not true Mrs. Grice.”
All eyes were on Reiner who had reached out and taken Mrs. Grice’s hand.
“It sounds like you were just trying to do your best for both of your kids, but you are just one person.”
Mrs. Grice sniffled, “that is sweet of you to say Reiner but-“
“Mrs. Grice, I’m sorry I don’t mean to interrupt, but I’ve spent almost all of my life with a dad who did everything he could to not be in my life. He didn’t have a reason, well not any good ones at least. But just from spending a few days with your family. It’s clear that you love both Colt and Falco. I think Colt just appreciates that you are trying.”
Mrs. Grice gently squeezed Reiner’s hand.
“Honey, he’s right. I don’t think either one of them doubts how much you love either one of them.”
“I just don’t want him to be angry at Falco or Porco. Neither one of them did anything wrong.”
“If I know Porco, I think he gets it. His brother was the reason for a lot of the friction between him and his mom.” Pieck chimed in. “It wasn’t anything Marcel did. It was more of Mrs. Galliard wanting Porco to be more like Marcel. But I’m not saying that’s what you did, just that Porco probably understands.”
Mrs. Grice wiped her eyes. “Look at me, an adult getting some sage wisdom from the next generation.”
Reiner let out a laugh. “Don’t get too excited, Pieck and Bertholdt are probably the smartest out of all of us OW!!”
Annie had kicked him under the table.
Reiner rolled his eyes, “and Annie too.” Causing laughter to echo throughout the kitchen.
“If you don’t mind me asking though” Pieck said hesitantly. “Why would Colt get so angry at Porco for wanting some closure.”
Mr. Grice let out a sigh. “It probably has to do with Colt getting so angry one night after missing a baseball game…”
**************************************************
“Falco! Can you hear me? Are you having trouble breathing?!”
Colt and Porco knelt over Falco. Porco trying to fan his face, and Colt dabbing his cheeks with water from Porco’s water bottle.
“Porco, you need to call 9-1-1!”
Porco fumbled around for his phone.
“Shit! I left it at the house!”
Colt swore under his breath and took out his phone.
“Wait…” Falco said weakly.
“Falco we can’t!”
“Just…listen…hear…each other…out.”
“What?”
“Will…you…guys just…talk…please.”
“Yes, we will but first we need to get you to a hospital.” Porco said.
“We promise!” Colt said frantically.
“Well, now that we’ve got that settled.” Falco said brightly he sat up. “Man, I got dirt stains on my shirt. Mom’s gonna kill me.”
He stood up brushing the leaves off his shorts, he looked perfectly fine.
“Wait, so you are not dying?!” Porco asked.
“Of course not, unless this heart is defective and if so, I would like to speak to the manufacturer.”
Porco and Colt stared at Falco with their mouths agape.
“You guys are supposed to laugh at that.” Falco said.
“What was that stunt you just pulled?” Colt asked, a bit pissed off.
“I wouldn’t call it a stunt.” Falco said with a shrug. “But I had to stop you guys from fighting, so I just did what I thought would get your attention.”
Porco started laughing.
“It’s not funny! Falco, you made us worried sick!” Colt said, still in shock.
“Falco if you are going to do something like that, at least be original with it.” Porco said, still laughing.
Falco let out a small laugh, “I’ve never been super creative.”
Colt was getting annoyed. “Would you two please care to let me in on what is so funny?”
“You haven’t seen the movie The Proposal?” Porco asked.
Colt’s panic and anger shifted to annoyance. “So, you pulled a Betty White to get us to stop fighting.”
“Now’s he gets it.” Porco mumbled.
“Why don’t we go to the secret spot and we can actually talk.” Falco said as he continued forward.
Colt and Porco followed.
“Secret spot?”
“It’s just an old tree house the neighborhood kids built when I was younger.”
“Don’t worry we aren’t gonna kill ya.” Falco said.
“I might kill you after nearly giving me a heart attack.” Colt said flatly.
After trekking a few more yards through the woods they came upon an old tree house that looked questionable. Porco was hesitant to go up the ladder.
“It’s definitely more cramped than it used to be.” Falco said as the three of them maneuvered to get comfortable.
“So, how did you even know I was out here?” Colt asked.
“It’s where you always used to go when you got upset. I followed you out here one time when we were younger.”
An awkward silence filled the treehouse. Porco started tapping his foot.
“I guess I’ll start.” Colt said, clearing his throat. “What did you mean that I was so jealous of Falco?”
Porco wasn’t sure how to answer, but thankfully Falco spoke up.
“Colt, I heard what you said that night, last year.”
Colt’s face went pale. “How much?”
“All of it. I waited up to congratulate you on the game, I had listened to it on the student radio station, but I heard you come in and then yelling. So, I just stayed at the top of the stairs.”
“Falco…I…I was just so angry…”
“At me.”
“No…I mean it wasn’t anger at you just the situation…I didn’t mean…”
“For me to hear it.” Falco said quietly. “Colt, I’ve never gotten a chance to say this. I don’t blame you. Mom and Dad missed a lot of things in your life, and I’m sorry that I was the reason. A lot of times, especially that night, Mom and Dad were overreacting.”
“Falco you went into cardiac arrest like a month later.”
Falco ignored him. “Colt, what I am trying to say is that I agreed with what you said. I wish I had been born normal; I wish that we could play football together, you didn’t have to worry about me. I’ve always hated that you’ve been dragged down by me.”
Colt was speechless, a silent tear running down his cheek.
“Falco, I don’t think Colt thinks you are dragging him down or anything.” Porco said quietly. “I used to feel that way a lot when I was a kid, more so because of my mom, but as I got older, I realized that Marcel and I were always there to build each other up. When you get to my age, you’ll start to understand that.”
Colt nodded. “I really do hate that mom and dad missed my games and stuff…”
Falco’s shoulders slumped a bit.
“But that doesn’t matter! I would rather mom and dad miss everything I do as long as you are alive and healthy, I wouldn’t trade that for anything.”
Porco felt a lump in his throat, and Colt must have noticed the pained look on his face.
“Fuck…I didn’t.”
Porco held up a hand. “It’s ok.” He said weakly. “I mean if we are being honest. I would love to have my brother back. But as I told Falco, I’m glad that something good came out of his death. Besides, it’s not like he wanted to be here anymore.”
Colt gave Porco a confused look.
“I guess you didn’t know either, my brother k*lled himself.”
“Do mom and dad know this?” Colt asked his brother.
“I honestly don’t know, I only learned about it last night.”
Colt’s glassy eyes looked to the wooden floor of the treehouse. “Porco…fuck I’m such a dick… I wish I could take back what I said.”
“You shouldn’t have said it at all no matter how he died.” Falco added.
Porco let out a sad laugh. “How is he the most mature one out of the three of us?”
Falco shrugged, “spent a lot of my younger years with adults more than kids.”
Colt laughed a bit, “Falco your twelve.”
The three laughed.
“But you’re right. Porco, I’m not great at this kinda stuff. I don’t handle emotional stuff that well. I am very sorry that you lost your brother and I wish there was a way that we both could have what we want.”
“Colt, I need you to know that I didn’t come here to cause trouble or make Falco feel guilty. I guess you can call my reasoning selfish, but it wasn’t with any kind of ill intentions. Ever since I found out Marcel donated his organs, I became fascinated with where he went, who were the recipients…finding closure.”
Porco had started to tear up, the lump in his throat becoming more painful. “I thought that if I could just hear his heartbeat one more time…I could…start to heal or accept what happened. I could stop blaming myself.”
“Why do you blame yourself?” Colt asked.
“It’s complicated. But I feel like I should have stepped in more when my mom was putting so much pressure on him or I could have been a better son so my mom would focus less on him, give him some room to breathe. I could have pushed him more when I started to notice he was acting differently.”
“None of that sounds like your fault.” Colt said. “I mean I know I don’t know your family or much about depression, but I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault when someone makes that decision.”
“But I told Falco that I didn’t want him to feel any sort of guilt about it.” Porco said. “I promise, and I’m gonna say it again. Falco please don’t feel guilty about what happened.”
Falco let out a sigh. “I don’t think it matters who it was or how they died. I’m still going to feel some sort of guilt that someone else had to die for me to live.”
“Falco…”
“My doctor says it’s normal to have those feelings, I mean it’s hard not to.”
“That’s why you need to start going to see Mr. Lin.” Colt said.
“Mr. Lin?”
“My doctor and parents think I need to see a counselor…”
Porco thought about his few sessions with the grief counselor and his suggestion at regular therapy sessions.
“I think all three of us could benefit from counseling.” Porco said quietly. “I think we owe it to Marcel, our parents, and most importantly ourselves.”
Colt and Falco looked at each other, then back to Porco.
“Maybe if I had pushed Marcel harder to get help, if I had just paid attention or told a teacher maybe…” Porco’s words dissolved into crying. The walls that he had hastily constructed over the last few months, only letting a select few in, had begun to crumble.
“Marcel, I’m sorry I didn’t do more for you, I’m sorry I failed you.” He put his head on his knees.
Both Colt and Falco skootched close enough to put their arm around Porco.
“It’s not your fault Porco.” Colt said quietly. “I’m sure Marcel knew you cared, and knew you loved him.”
Colt’s words echoed what Pieck had been saying since it happened, what Bertholdt had been telling him, even Reiner of all people.
“It’s also ok to cry and be angry and confused.” Falco said softly.
“I don’t want to be mad at him.” Porco cried. “But I am.”
“That’s…that’s ok.” Colt said, “I got angry at my brother for being sick for fucks sake. It just means you're human, and being human can suck sometimes.”
**************************************************
After a while Porco had finally calmed down. He wiped his eyes with the hem of his t-shirt.
“Sorry you guys had to deal with that.” He said weakly.
Colt waved his hand dismissively. “Can you think of a better way for three strangers to get to know one another than having a good cry session in a treehouse.”
This got a laugh out of Porco. “It’s definitely a first for me.”
“We need to make a pact.” Falco said.
“A what?”
“Like a blood pact or something.” Falco said.
“Ew no.” Colt said with a look of disgust.
“Ok not a blood pact but a pact, because we are all tied to each other now.” Falco said. “Each one of us can add something to it.”
“I like it.” Porco said. “For me, all three of us promise to go to some sort of therapy or counseling and promise to tell someone when we need help.”
Colt thought for a moment. “All three of us will promise to work on getting along better with our parents.”
The two looked at Falco. “And finally, all three of us will all live our lives to the absolute fullest, and with no regrets.”
Colt and Falco nodded in agreement.
“So, do we like put our hands in or something?” Colt asked.
“How about we all just shake on it.” Porco said as the clumsily did a three-way handshake.
“We hereby make this pact to honor the life of Marcel Galliard, agreed?” Falco asked.
“Agreed.”
A sudden clap of thunder made all three of them jump.
“Looks like Marcel is in agreement too.” Porco said with a laugh.
The three started walking back the way they came, and when the rain started Porco put Falco on his back, and they began to run.
They were soaking wet when they got back to the Grice’s home.
Kelly and Andy looked relieved to see both of their sons and Porco back. Despite them being wet Kelly threw her arms around them.
“Are you boys, ok?”
The three looked at each other and smiled.
“Yeah, we are doing ok.” Colt answered.
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