On March 3rd (yeah, it was almost two weeks ago and I'm still thinking about it), my parents and I were watching TV and lounging about (soon to be going upstairs to get ready for bed) and all of a sudden at 11:00 pm, my ex-girlfriend messaged me in the RPA (Roleplaying Amino). And I hadn't heard anything from her for maybe 3 years. So it caught me off guard. The conversation started off decently but then it got to a certain point and I wasn't expecting what she said to me. I need other opinions on this because I don't have a clue on how to feel about all this.
*Going to censor names that were mentioned. Specifically my brother and our former friend, who I called "Tay" at the beginning of my time on this Amino*
Here's what our conversation (verbatim) went like:
:tiger: = Her
⛈= Me
:tiger: : I have no idea if you're still on this app but uh...hi
⛈: Hi
:tiger: : I recently got back in with Tay and they're doing pretty well...so I thought I'd get a bit of closure checking up on you
:tiger: : Btw I completely understand if you don't wanna talk to me
⛈: I'm doing okay. Got a job at the high school. $'s got a partner and they've been together almost two years now. Aside from graduating, not much has been happening with me. We got two new cats as well. Mom couldn't handle the house being so quiet and she missed having a pet.
:tiger: : Still living with your parents? (That's a genuine question)
⛈: Yes.
:tiger: : Makes me feel better about my situation :sweat_smile:
:tiger: : I'm finally in college
⛈: Oh cool. What are you studying?
:tiger: : Information Technology with a focus on Networking
⛈: Nice.
:tiger: : Did you ever pursue an autism diagnosis?
⛈: I've thought about it. But I put it to the side while still in school. Now that I'm home, I might look into it further. I mentioned to my doctor that I might want to get tested. One of my students (who is on the spectrum) asked me if I had autism or ADHD once. I brought it up to an older woman I know on the spectrum and I really do think I'm going to look into it more. I'll mention it to my doctor when I see her next. At this point I just want closure.
:tiger: : Glad to see you at least want the closure
:tiger: : I know that past is the past and shit won't change, but I know words do a lot. I want you to know that I don't regret anything to do with the past relationship. And I know it's been fucking *years* but my brain won't let me forget about it. It consistently brings up past memories and mistakes I'd rather forget about so I'm trying to shut my brain up by "taking trips down memory lane" and apologizing for things I did wrong and attempting to at least bandage wounds if not fix them. I know this shit might seem awkward and out of the blue but I literally can't stop thinking about it
:tiger: : I'd go back and do it all over again in a heartbeat
⛈: Yeah. Sometimes I find myself thinking about certain points in the relationship. Specifically when I hear or see something I learned to associate with the relationship. Sometimes it's painful (like the mistakes I made) and I want to forget it in the moment but I know that I can't move on if I don't face it head on. I can't stop going back to specific moments that really shaped me as a person. Even if I try to focus on other things, there's a part of my brain that still goes back to those moments and I honestly don't want to forget them. If I could go back and change any part, I don't think I would. The experience helped make me who I am today and I don't regret it.
:tiger: : I'm glad I'm not the only one on that front
Then like 10-15 minutes later...
:tiger: : Anyways, sorry for bothering you...just wanted to get some closure on my end. Thanks for agreeing to talk to me, and good luck in your future ventures
I started to respond but she immediately left the conversation after she sent that message. So she didn't get to see...
⛈: You didn't bother me at all. Good luck with everything.
I'm not sure how to feel about this. I mean, it kinda seems like this is the last conversation we will ever have. But I am serious about getting tested. So I may reach out to her once I get any results, just to tell her if she was right or not. If I'm being completely honest, for the longest time I thought she DID regret being with me. I hurt her so many times (unintentionally) and in my mind the things I did were unforgivable. But in the last couple years, I've been having a lot of flashbacks (not good ones) and in some of them, it was times where she hurt me, to the point I one time had a mild 4-ish hour long anxiety attack (only a few months after we got together) and a couple other times I straight up had a breakdown. We had our rough points but we also had a lot of good moments too. To hear that she also sometimes thinks about it, I don't know, it was kinda comforting. This is going to sound absolutely pathetic, but I actually still have everything she ever gave me (gift wise) in an old jewelry box that sits on the bottom shelf of my bookshelf. I haven't looked at any of it since a month after the breakup (when I put it all together). So 3 and 1/2 years. Maybe I should go through it. An old friend of my brother just got out of a really toxic relationship and he was putting stuff from the relationship in a wood container the size of a shoebox. I'm not sure what he ended up doing with it. Maybe he got rid of it? Or burned it, like you would see in books and movies? I wouldn't be surprised if he did the latter, his ex-girlfriend went capital I INSANE near the end and moreso after it ended. I honestly wouldn't wish what she did to him on my worst enemy.
But what does everyone think of this? I kinda hoped we could've been on okay , catching up every now and then. I hoped we could have at least been civil acquaintances, if not somewhat friends. But I don't think she wants to ever see or hear from me again. I'm unsure how to feel about it all. Any thoughts fellow aces?
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